Jennie
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Posts posted by Jennie
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of
the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Why Stop Now? Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.""That's not bad.""But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear.""Sounds like you should be grateful...""You
don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I
inherited almost a quarter of a million."Now he was really confused. "Then, how
come you look so glum?""This week... nothing!"
Nothing Personal"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed
woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your
sermon.""I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied."It's not a
reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in
his sleep ever since he was a child."
With Fond MemoriesA guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them.He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he
goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'""But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Canine DreamsI have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was
astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven
hundred years old! I own America, and I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the
visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better
to just let sleeping dogs lie."
Where's the bird?A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for
a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his
cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet,
was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes," he said to himself.He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.As
he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his
pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "If
only I could find my parakeet."
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Interesting Questions
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven...)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
Newlywed Surprise
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
Then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."
Marriage Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
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Ain't it the truth: I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was
my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines
operated."Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"The
worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate
the release handle."And where does the money come out?" I asked.He
smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
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I never had my mouth washed out, but my mother in law used Octagon soap and that is some strong soap used to wash clothes!!! It was very bad!
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So does this stuff make you look tan or like one of the Umpa Lumpa's off of Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory? How close is it to a tan color wise? Thanks
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the
president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000." The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.
"Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
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Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "Lord, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! Lord gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "Lord, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! Lord gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "Lord, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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Cake Mix: This woman could never get her husband to do anything around
the house.He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat
dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs
that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a
bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said
sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her
husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down
on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When
her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't
work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What
do I look? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the
blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said,
"Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again she
was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three
repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.When
her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they
all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with
them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"She smiled. "What do I
look like, BETTY CROCKER?"
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These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Out of Order!
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.
On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."
Underneath it someone had scrawled. . . "Keep Running!"
Helping Out!
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"
Mornings!
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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Ahoy there! A young naval student was being put through the paces by an
old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the
starboard?""Throw out an anchor, sir.""What would you do if another
storm sprang up aft?""Throw out another anchor, sir.""And if another
terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?""Throw out another
anchor.""Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your
anchors from?""From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
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Swim Meet: There was a swim meet with a blonde, a brunette and a
redhead.They were swimming breaststroke in their competition.The redhead came
in first but was neck to neck with the brunette the whole race.The
brunette came in second and the blonde came in last but when she got out of
the pool she said:"No fair! You guys used your arms!"
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It's not nice to lie: A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the
roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."A young, good-looking
man nearby suggests she play her age.Smiling at the man, she puts her money on
number 32.The wheel is spun, and the number 41 comes up.The smile drifted from
the woman's face and she fainted.
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Kids are just so innocent in what they say. How sweet, Thanks Grounded and Hiramcouple.
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They let them reproduce?
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch
together in Louisiana.They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows
to increase their herd.The brunette takes their life savings of $600
dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an
old cowboy that will sell her a bull.""It's the only one I got for $599,
take it or leave it."" She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram
office and says, ""I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in
Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the
trailer."" The man behind the counter tells her, ""Telegrams to anywhere in
the U.S. are $.75 per word.""She thinks about it for a moment and
decides. ""I'd like to send one word, please.""""And what word would that be?
Inquires the man.""Comfortable."" Replies the brunette.The man asks,
""I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this
telegram?""The brunette replies, ""My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she
gets this, she will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
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Out of the mouths of babes...
1. Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda, age 5
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce, age 6
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet, age 4
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Alison, age 6
5. Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene, age 7
6. Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita, age 8
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy, age 7
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really make up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn, age 4
9. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Dennis, age 5
10. Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan, age 7
11. Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma, age 8
12. Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer, age 9
13. Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy, age 8
14. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter, age 7
15. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry, age 6
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark, age 7
17. Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha, age 7
18. Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara, age 5
19. Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny, age 8
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles, age 7
21. Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff, age 6
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank, age 4
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas, age 6
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If you think the song is sexual you should see the video. I have banned MTV in my house because of the explicit videos.
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And the definition is..."Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher.The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked."Sure," said the young student
confidently. "Means carrying a child."
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And the secret word is? My kids love going to the Web, and they keep
track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.I noticed their
Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so
long."Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four
characters."
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Lamaze Class
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Testing
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."
"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."
"Well, that's good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved.
"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class..."
Bathroom
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him- self. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
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Bravo what a great idea!!!!! I feel these neighbors will do nothing or care, so be sure to duck when you hear gunfire!
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Buttercup,
These ornamental cabbage plants are called Frassica Oleracea or Flowering Kale. They grow up to 12 inches. Grows and looks best in Fall, tolerates considerable frost. Easy in containers or beds. Likes full sun. Colors range from bright pink,lavender,purple, white and or green leaves. Hope this helps
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I agree RRR, I feel sorry for the dog. I just hope this person takes some responsibility before someone gets seriously hurt.
Question?
in Archive of Four Legged Friendzy
Posted
I adopted a beautiful grey cat 2 years ago from PC Shelter. We had just lost my 18 year old Siamese and were just looking and there she was. Took her out of the cage and she literally hugged me and kissed my nose, I knew I had to have her. Got her home and she turned mean! She won't let you hold her or pet her, and when I am on the computer she wants me to hold her and I do, but in minutes she starts to growl and I put her down afraid she is going to attack my face. Anyway my Question? She is constantly trying to get out, she waits by the door to dart out at any given notice she is a quick one too. And she knows if the door isn't closed all the way because she goes to it and uses her paws to open the door and gets out. I am constantly chasing her to get her back in the house, I am at my wits end and she has been spayed! I did find out she was at least a year old when I adopted her and she had been on her own outside the whole time. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions. Thanks!