Jennie
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I heard a neighborhood of 400 homes going in!!!
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Senior Breakfast
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS
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Quick Quotes
"Condoleezza Rice made her last stop in her foreign trip, she was in Beijing. ... They went nuts for her. From their reaction you would think people in China had never seen Rice before." --Jay Leno
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"Big news from the world of motion pictures. They're now casting "Wonder Woman" -- there's going to be a new version of "Wonder Woman." Yeah. And I just want to say one thing to you Hollywood big shots -- pick me, alright? And I'll tell you why -- I already have the costume." --Dave Letterman
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This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood said she survived because of something she saw on a 'Fear Factor' episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers. It's only by watching 'Extreme Makeover' that I realized I looked stupid with bangs." --Dennis Miller
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Squirrel Quarrel
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute."
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See! It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
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Joke of the day:
A man walks into a restaurant and asks to see a menu.
The waiter says, "No need, Sir, we can get you anything you want."
So the man says sarcastically, mocking the waiter, "Very well, then I'd
like a gorilla sandwhich, please!"
The waiter replies, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I cannot get you that."
The man laughs and says, "I thought you could get me anything?!"
Says the waiter,"I'm sorry, we've run out of bread!"
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Garfield Fans... Click Here!
Things Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4 My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Golfing on Sunday
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
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Exercise for seniors...
Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build musclestrength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.
Hoover!
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occured & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".
"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied. ar native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Basic Training
The story went something like this:
Seargeant: When you are scared, what do you do?
Recruit: Keep on fightin'
Seargeant: Good for you. And now they shoot off your right ear...what then?
Recruit: Keep on fightn'!
Seargeant: Excellent. But now they also shoot off your left ear, what then?
Recruit: Then I can't see.
Seargeant: Can't see? what school did you come from?
Recruit: Well seargeant, when both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.
Promoted
The boss called one of his employees into the office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.
Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
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Why men are happier...
-- Your last name stays put.
-- The garage is all yours.
-- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
-- Chocolate is just another snack.
-- You can be President.
-- You can never be pregnant.
-- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Actually, You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
-- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
-- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
-- Same work, more pay.
-- Wrinkles add character.
-- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
-- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
-- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
-- One mood all the time.
-- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
-- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
-- You can open all your own jars.
-- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
-- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
-- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
-- You almost never have strap problems in public.
-- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
-- Everything on your face stays its original color.
-- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
-- You only have to shave your face and neck.
-- You can play with toys all your life.
-- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
-- One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
-- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
-- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
-- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
-- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier...
Forward this to the women friends who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
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Quick Quotes
"The makers of Bowflex have been ordered to pay a $1 million penalty because some people were injured while using the machine. The company was shocked, and said, "You mean, some- body actually used their Bowflex? Nobody uses their Bowflex!" --Conan O'Brien
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"NBC has renewed 'Joey' for another season. And no one could be happier with the decision than Joey's viewer...who called in earlier today." --Craig Ferguson
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"It's spring time and that means prom season. Prom brings back so many horrible memories for me. I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don't know who was more embarrassed -- him or me." --Dave Letterman
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The Rabbit
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
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The Book
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.
The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room.
One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.
"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
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CEO on a rampage
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Anniversary Dinner
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her hurried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
Art Supplies
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
Paying Bills
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change.
As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
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Joke of the day:
A woman died and was sent to heaven.
One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw
God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.
She only wanted to ask one question of him.
So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"
God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained,
"Every good design needs a rough draft!!"
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Joke of the day:
Man walks into a bar, with his thumb in his ear, talking into his
little finger.
"What are you doing?" , the bartender asks.
"I'm on the phone ," the guy explains, "implants.. it's the latest
thing. There's a microphone in my finger, a speaker in my thumb, and a
keypad on the palm of my hand. It's fantastic."
The bartender is astonished, and the guy goes to sit down & drink his
beer.
Ten minutes later, he rushes out of the bar into the Men's room. The
bartender hears groans and screams coming from behind the door, so he
goes to investigate.
He walks into the bathroom to see the guy, finger to mouth and thumb in
ear, on the floor with his trousers round his ankles, groaning in
agony.
"What is it, can I help?" the bartender asks, worried.
"No..," the guy grunts back, "it's okay... I'm just waiting for a fax
to come through..."
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The Blind Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim _expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heaven," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had too."
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Hearing Aids
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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At a Bar
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Joke of the day:
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that
whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she
wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will
flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That will
be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired
about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
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Joke of the day:
A blind guy walks into a barroom and finds a stool at the bar.
"Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" He says when the bartender
brings him his drink.
The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a
low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender
is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt
in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby
player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler.
We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."
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Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
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Darn Women Drivers
This morning on the Freeway I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadilac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned everything it touched, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.
Darn women drivers...
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Teenage Driver
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
"At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week!"
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Quick Quotes
"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." --Frank Leahy
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"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." --Oscar Levant
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"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis." --Margaret Bonnano
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Buttercup,
Sorry to hear about your brother and his truck and thank goodness he is o.k. I don't know what it is with people driving fast, willing to kill someone or be killed to get to where they are going. I drive a van and it never fails everyone pulls out in front of me because they don't want to be behind a van, well a van weighs alot more than a car and has to brake sooner to stop with the weight. I was driving home on 278 towards Dallas and some moron coming out at the red light at Checkers decided he didn't want to yeild and pulled out onto 278 I had to slam on my brakes because of this moron! Hope your brother gets his truck fixed soon what a shame with it being new and all.
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More Bumper Stickers
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)...If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Boldly Going Nowhere.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER:
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON."
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School Lunch
Little Johnny, after being expelled from his latest school, was enrolled in a Catholic School. On his first day in the new school, he went to the cafeteria for lunch. The children were lined up patiently getting their lunches.
At the head of the serving line was a large pile of apples. One of the nuns made a note that said: "Take only one, God is watching."
Seeing this Little Johnny made a note of his own and placed it at the other end of the serving line, in front of a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
Little Johnny's note said: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
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New Home
When Little Johnny's family moved into a new double wide trailer one of their former neighbors dropped by. Seeing Johnny out front, he asked, "So, how do you like your new place?"
"It's terrific," Little Johnny answered. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."
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The New Baby
With all the new fertility technology , a 66 year old woman was recently able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother, who decided to have a little of her own fun with the relatives. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After a few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES?"
"Because I forgot where I put it..."
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Joke of the day:
College Degrees
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"
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Quantas Problem Solving
After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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Collect Call
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
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Quick Quotes
"Well, under the new requirements, they say Canadians who, up to this point only need to show a driver's license to cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians coming into the United States will need to bring a passport, or a bag of cheap prescription drugs." --Jay Leno
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"The gates are gone - the gates are leaving New York City. So if you're in Central Park and you see something colorful fluttering in the breeze, it's crime-scene tape." --David Letterman
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"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL." --Jimmy Kimmel
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Life's Plan
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go!"
-
A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she
couldn't step. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and
tried again.
The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the
zipper some more.
She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.
All of a sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to
push her up onto the bus.
She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly,
"Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."
The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough
either for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
-
A man walks past a big wooden fence in front of the insane asylum and
hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
in unison.
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in.
Immediately, someone on the inside pokes him in the eye.
Before the man could even react to the eye-poking, the people on the
other side of the fence begin a monotone chant of...
"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
-
Joke of the day:
Q. How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?
A. When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the person at the desk says "go ahead."
-
A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant
prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best
place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the
room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is
the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do
Not Disturb'!"
-
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say,
"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
-
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing.
After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in
the lake and drop in their lines in the water.
After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish
while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu
motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da
mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?" Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You
gotta keep the worms warm!"
-
Thanks Meltid,
I like the cage idea. We live in a subdivison and my cat has long fur and is constantly cleaning herself to make her beautiful so if she got out she probably wouldn't go far because she is a neat freak. Too many loose dogs so the cage is ideal, will give that a try Thanks!
jokes
in Internet Cafe
Posted
"Under The Sea"
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments. Here are some of them -- the funny ones. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years...
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy age
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7 )
5th Graders
About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"
Bottle of Wine
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Off to School...
A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California's Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.
He immediately sent them a telegram which read, "Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!"