Jennie
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"You Might Be A Yankee If..."
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to ever go on a camping trip.
For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never eaten Okra.
You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
Beard
When a young announcer was raising funds on a local public television station, a woman called in and told the volunteer operator she would donate a hundred dollars if the announcer would shave off his beard.
He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shaven.
The following day, the check arrived from his mother.
Police Dog
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Wedding Advice
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I who had been.
The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
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How to put the right person in the right Job?
Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the
right Job? If yes, try this simple experiment.
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an
open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from
outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze
the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN
ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN
ENGINEERING If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT
THEM IN PLANNING.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION
TECHNOLOGY.
If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE
MATERIALS HANDLING DEPT.
If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has
moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.
If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN STRATEGIC PLANNING
If they are pushing bricks like children- PUT THEM IN THE TRANSPORT
DEPT.
AND last but not least....
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved
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PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT.
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Glad to make you smile! Hope you have a better day!
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Joke of the day:
An adolescent daughter asks her mother, "Mom, we've been studying sex
education and childbirth in school, and I'm kind of worried about the
whole thing. I mean, is it terribly painful to have a baby?"
"Well," her mother replies "I'll give you an idea of how painful it is
and you can judge for yourself: put your top lip between your teeth and
bite down like you're chewing on a piece of gum..."
The daughter complies, and a moment later she announces, "Oh, well
that's not too bad."
"...Okay, now,"continues her mother "pull your lower lip all the way
over the back of your head like a shower cap!"
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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for
a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A
man was shown threatening to jump from the
Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't
jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave
the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I
saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take
your money".
The blonde replied, "well, so did I, but I never
thought he'd jump again!"
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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we
are the best of friends, I would not want
to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know
that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then
added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a
little change..."
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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing
away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers
cramp.
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Subject: RE: The story of creation
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
> populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
> green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
> Woman would live long and healthy lives.
> Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's
> Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want
> chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as
> long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10
> pounds. And Satan smiled.
>
> And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the
> figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour
> from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman
> went from size 6 to size14.
>
> So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
> Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
> side.
>
> And Man and Woman unfastened their belts.
> God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and
> olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried
> fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And
> Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
> God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel
> Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake
> and named it "Devil's Food."
>
> God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might
> lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote
> control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man
> and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and
> gained pounds.
>
> Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
> brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and
> sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man
> gained pounds.
>
> God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer
> calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's
> and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with
> that?" And Man replied, Yes! And super size them!"
>
> And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
> God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
>
> Then Satan created HMOs.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Thought for the day ....... There is more money being spent on
> breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This
> means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
> perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what
> to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right
> away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
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Questions for Men
The 5 toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")
Quick Quotes
"I announced to my wife I was going to the supermarket with her the next time she went because the stuff she kept bringing home was not fully in the spirit of American junk food. While she was off squeezing melons, I made for the junk food section. The breakfast cereals alone could have occupied me for most of the afternoon. There must have been two hundred types. The most immediately arresting was a cereal called Cookie Crisp, which tried to pretend it was a nutritious breakfast but was really just chocolate chip cookies that you put in a bowl and ate with milk. Brilliant."
-- Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself."
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"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"
"Oh, it was my wife's idea."
"Your wife?"
"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."
One-liners
The plumber can't put in the bathroom fixtures until next month. That's a shower stall if I've ever heard one.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about ten years shy.
I didn't believe my wife when she said she had lost one of her fingernails while making dessert. I guess the proof will be in the pudding.
Several carniverous animals were eating the carcass but the king of beasts got the lion's share.
Quirks of Life
I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was,you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its destination in two days. Now you put a thirty-seven-cent stamp on a letter and it can take four to five weeks to arrive. Still only a penny a day!
Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty
..Most people deserve each other.
..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
..The one who snores will fall asleep first.
..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
..The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
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I have been getting the Kraft Food and Family magazine for awhile too and they send me a nice Calendar with a recipe that is featured for that month, I think the calendar comes in Oct. or Nov. Wonderful tips and recipes!
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Joke of the day:
A pedestrian was walking along the street looking for a better mode of
transport, like a bus or tram.
He spots a taxi coming in his direction. He stands on the side of the
road and shouts: "Taxi!"
The Taxi driver drives past and shouts back: "Pedestrian!"
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Baby Power
Hello, my name is Quinn, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.
Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!
Rule #1
You have absolute power.
Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.
Rule #2
Cry.
Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.
Rule #3
Be cute.
This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.
Rule #4
Keep them weak.
I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule #5
Pee on them.
Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere
Rule #6
Make them carry you.
Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.
Rule #7
Smack them around a little.
Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.
Rule #8
Women and grandparents love babies.
Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!
Rule #9
Siblings exist for your amusement.
Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.
Rule #10
No private time.
This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!
That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.
You have the power!
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Parenthood...
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
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Quick Ones
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.'
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Q: How do geologists like their scotch? A: On the rocks.
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How is the Force Like Ducktape?
It has a light side and it has a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
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The Drill Sergeant
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
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My sister sent me these, had to share.
FLORIDA OR THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking.........and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think
is farther away..........Florida or the moon? "The other blonde turns
and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap
in the carburetor" She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish
you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my
license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How
can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river
then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to
his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde
yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We
were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going
to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at
each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you
idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
AND FINALLY........
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."
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Joke of the day:
Last week, I went on vacation to visit my aunt on her farm.
On the first day, one of her chickens died so we had chicken for
dinner.
On the second day, one of her pigs died so we had pork for dinner.
On the third day, her husband died so I left before dinner.
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mrdutton,
My kids mix their drinks everytime we go out to a self service place. They take a little coke, diet coke, sprite, cherry coke, whatever they have and you know what they call it? SUICIDE!!!!!!!!!! Looks gross, but they love it.
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The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"
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Funny Quotes
"I guess you heard by now, according to that video that was shown in court, Michael Jackson used chimps to clean at the Neverland Ranch. That's really bizarre, isn't it? Have you ever heard anyone say, "Your place is so spotless. I need to get the name of your cleaning monkey." --Jay Leno
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"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath. 'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'" --Brad Stine
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"I can't seem to bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle." --Robert Benchley
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Blind Date
Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
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A Scary Visit
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that G~d's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, I sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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Joke of the day:
A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of
riding.
"How are we faring?" his king asks.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your
behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West!"
"Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."
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PauldingBiz you are so talented! Very good!
-
Pauldingbiz,
Here is one to Row Row Row your boat, corny, but at least I tried!
Paulding, Paulding, Paulding.com
Its a happening place, to get all the
answers and info you crave.
Paulding.com today!
Paulding, Paulding, Paulding.com
Where everyone's so nice.
Hooked 24-7 and I don't have a
life!
So Paulding.com Today!
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"You Know You're Too Stressed If..."
...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...the Sun is too loud.
...trees begin chasing you.
...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
...you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
...you can hear mimes.
...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
...things become "Very Clear."
...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
...your heart beats in 7/8 time.
...you and Reality file for divorce.
...you can skip without a rope.
...it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
...you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
...you can travel without moving.
...antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
...you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
...you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
...teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
...you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
College Drama
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
Grading
Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm fat."
And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not fat."
To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat."
But our daughter, a high schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"
The Vet
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.
Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.
The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right hind tire.
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Joke of the day:
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer,
seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and
offered him
a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the
lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
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Joke of the day:
The difference between George Washington,Richard Nixon and Clinton is:
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't
tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
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Joke of the day:
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost
you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
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It is definately weird seeing crosses lit up on graves, especially when you don't see anything in a cemetary at night. Reminded me of the stories I heard in church when I was younger. I thought that the graves lit up are the ones going to heaven. These cemetaries were dark no street lights anywhere so it was really eerie seeing those.
Joke
in Internet Cafe
Posted
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the
top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the
stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here,
not your stub."