Jennie
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Posts posted by Jennie
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Joke of the day:
The Drive-Thru is faster
Tony just finished his training session at the local
McDonald's. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first
time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake. "Tony," his manager said,
"remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order. "His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order. "At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Tony at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!" Tony took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"
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Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their
lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
“Sam,” says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.
Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you
will go to Heaven, somehow you’ve got to let me know if there’s
baseball in Heaven.”
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, “Moe, you’ve been my
best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I’ll do
for you.”
And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he
is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to
him, “Moe.... Moe....”
“Who is it?” says Moe sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Moe, it’s me, Sam.”
“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam just died.”
“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam!”
“Sam? Is that you? Where are you?”
“I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got really
good news and a little bad news.”
“So, tell me the good news first,” says Moe.
“The good news,” says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who’ve gone before us are there. Better
yet, we’re all young men again. Better yet, it’s always spring time and
it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we
want, and we never get tired!”
“Really?” says Moe, “That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest
dreams! But, what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching next Tuesday.”
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That is terrible! Did the bus driver make it? What is wrong with the kids today thinking they can resolve their issues with guns and violence!!!!! Why don't they realize they are just going to get into more trouble and go to prison or jail. Thanks for the post rrr!
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Joke of the day:
Work That Magic.....After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one
night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they
found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a
penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His
father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and
pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he
snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do
it again, Dad!"
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Joke of the day:
I can't decide...Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90
mph."Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"The blonde
turned around and had a long look at the road behind them."Yeah, looks like
it""Are his flashers on?"The blonde turned around
again......"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
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Rules for some life
1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2.Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. For the men: Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
(edited to cleanup presentation- pubby)
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Joke of the day:
Doctor, Help Me! A young woman took her troubles to a
psychiatrist."Doctor,
you
must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a
nice
guy, I
end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed
for
a
week.""I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.""For God's sake,
NO!"
exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed
afterward."
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It was a good thing for my brother in law. He won along with someone else, the Friday night Fantasy 5 on Feb 25. He gets $145,000 before taxes of course. He was in shock all the number matched up in the same exact order they were drawn. He is so lucky!
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darrenmcd
You might want to check out www.pilsungdo.com. Mr. Larry Key and his wife are instructors and even though I haven't taken martial arts I do the aerobic kickboxing, they have all sorts of ages and classes. Hope that helps. I am not sure about the price, but someone will be there at 9:15 a.m. tomorrow since we have kickboxing at 9:30.
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Joke of the day:
Have You Seen My Dog?The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was
gone.After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and
went looking for him.He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no
luck.Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had
seen our dog."You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
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Joke of the day:
The Photographer
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned
to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show
some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.When the
photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would
seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from
ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the
air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report
to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.He arrived at the
airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and
shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within
minutes they were in the air.The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make
two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take
photographs."The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"
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Joke of the day:
A Trip to the Zoo
A father and his small son were standing in front of the
tiger's cage at the zoo.Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers
are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.
Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."Yes, son?"
the father said expectantly."What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
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Joke of the day:
I Could Just Scream:
Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you
give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
"Patient: "Why? Doc, it
isn't all that bad this time.
"Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting
room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game."
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A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a
glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers
called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The
absolute
weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it
for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a
day,
you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight,
but
the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden
becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the
glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before
holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the
burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work
down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever
burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
"Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy
it!
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of
life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you
have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die
in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled
by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be
vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to
serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird,
sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the
longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also
be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some
are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are
different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on
a detour.
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Hiramcouple94,
Since you are pondering, I have gotten 2 phone calls yesterday with bad news. My cousin and her husband are divorcing after 9 years of marriage and my half sister and her boyfriend of 4 years is splitting. Then my friend from high school called me and said that her sister is getting divorced and another friend of the family are divorcing and they have been married 1 year and just had a baby!!! What is in the air!!!! I told her I think everyone is getting Spring Fever or something. It is a bummer when couples can't work it out after being together for so long and really sad when children are involved. Needed to vent!
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Joke of the day:
I can't find it...A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to
look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time these items were directly in
front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one
of her sons remarked:"It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision':"
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Jessiel1,
I know it is frustrating, I have 2 boys myself one 5 and one 9. The key is to be patient and persistant. Take your little one to the bathroom every 30 min and reward with stickers that he can put on a poster or piece of paper that shows he went to the bathroom. We also bought big boy underwear that they got to pick out like spiderman, blues clues, batman etc. and they didn't want to go in their underwear to mess them up. Hope it helps and be patient!
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Why wear them?
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it?Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
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I haven't heard anything, but a great idea! The kids need somewhere to go and have some fun. At least the building won't set there empty and go to waste. Plus it is next to the Martial Arts and alot of kids go through there on a weekly basis.
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Joke of the day:
My Funny Valentine. After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?""You'll know tonight." he said.That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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The candy is only .68 fl oz. Probably only 10-15 sprays in the container. The only warning on the label is "Choking hazard, small parts, not for children under 3 years of age. I don't buy it was an allergic reaction either, I think the citric concentrate of this stuff wasn't tested properly. It would be nice if the makers would test this stuff on their own tongues before sending it to the stores, that would make a huge difference on what gets sent out to stores.
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I just wanted to let all you parents out there know about a situation I encountered last week. My son purchased some Warheads Super sour spray candy it was .68 fl oz. at Wal-Mart. He used some on Sunday the day he bought it and then on Monday when he got home from school. He started crying and saying his tongue hurt really bad. I looked at it and it was burned about the size of an almond in the middle of his tongue. He had difficulty in eating or drinking. I got an email address from the candy and emailed the company Impact Confections. Inc. I didn't get a quick response so I looked online and got a phone number. I was told he had an allergic reaction to the candy since it contained citric acid and for him not to use it again! My response was DUH! I was also told he had over used it. Well this is candy made for kids, and you can't expect a child to take just one squirt of this stuff. Well I was mad, I had taken a picture with my digital camera and went to the store to let them know. They pulled the product Thank Goodness! My concern was some other child would have this so called "Allergic Reaction!" My son is recovering and his tongue is still healing.
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Every Saturday and Sunday to the general public 8:00am till 4:30pm. Vendors who have space,doors open at 6:00am.
Thanks County-Line!
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Question? Does anyone know the hours of the new Flea Market? Thanks!
Joke
in Internet Cafe
Posted
Take Off - Quick! During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I
told you to turn right on ""Charlie"" taxiway; you turned right on ""Delta.
Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's &
D's, but get it right!"" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting hysterically.""God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take
forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you
to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the
irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the
airport was running high.Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"