Jennie
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Posts posted by Jennie
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Joke of the day:
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was
fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about
3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood
at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk,
trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is," she said.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something
for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs
to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
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Joke of the day:
This one older lady, not quite up on the ins and outs of banks,
was surprised to receive a notice demanding payment on her loan.
She called the loan officer & said, "I can't return your money.
I'm not finished with it yet."
Explaining their policy on not cashing checks for people who
don't have accounts with their bank, the teller said, "Why if
he didn't have an account here, I wouldn't cash a check for my
own brother." The irate customer replied, "Well... you know your
family a lot better than I."
While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and
downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my
financial advisor at the bank and asked if he was worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked,
"Really ??? Even with all the fluctuations ?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up
and cry for a couple of hours."
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Joke of the day:
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her
life. When she got to the bottom, there were three
of those little green army men in the cup. She
said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
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Joke of the day:
A High School class in Florida consisted of a particularly well-
motivated group of juniors. Students felt free to ask questions
on any subject that concerned them.
One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked me to explain all
the talk about a woman's "biological clock."
After I'd finished, there was a moment of silence, and then another
hand shot up. "Mrs. Woodard," a student asked, "is your clock
still ticking, or has the alarm gone off?"
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Sorry! Hope you get something good to eat for lunch!
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Zen...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of The Way and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Kids Books You'll Never See (or read)
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
Dog for Protection
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
The Dangerous Bet
A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"
He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".
Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"
The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"
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They have been closed for a while. I thought one time or another there was going to be a meet and greet and when they got there it was closed. I know there is a sign on the door that says something and to call a number with any questions. I miss the old pizza place too, we had some great pizza there.
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Maybe they just did away with some of the parking on the side across from BellSouth building in front of the pizza place that is out of business. Thanks
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Main Street.
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Does anyone know if Down Town Dallas is going to be a one way street? I noticed with all the work that the roads got a little thinner. Thanks!
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I know when we go to Panama Beach every year. I make sure to bring plenty of trash bags to clean up the beach where we sit to enjoy the beach. Nothing ticks me off more than building a sand castle or a sand turtle and have tons of butts in the sand, so now I bring a colander with me to sift the sand. It is a shame to think of the beach as a giant ash tray!
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It is gross, but what am I to do! They have hands full and shovel it in.
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My little ones loves to eat sand, but when we go to the beach we have to strain it for cigarette butts first!
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Joke of the day:
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of
Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator
won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast you
carry the flashlight."
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Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet
- Home is where you hang your @
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C: is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- In Gates we trust.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
- There's no place like http://www.home.com
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
- Speed thrills.
Moving Day
One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."
Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Can you tell me which way it went?"
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
Missing Pig
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
Hunting, sort of...
Shelia walked into the kitchen to find her husband, Fred, stalking around with a fly swatter.
"And what are we doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh? Killing any?" she asked, with a smirk.
"Yep! Got 4 males, 3 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How the heck can you tell?"
"Simple." He replied, "4 were on a beer can, 3 were on the phone."
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Joke of the day:
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and
said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man
said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant
two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The
customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go
check."
After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A
long time. We're gonna build a house.
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Joke of the day:
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother
told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I
don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have
to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there.
He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,
"Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to
help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went
to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into
the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would
you please hand me the broom?"
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AAADD
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers...
Now I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember
what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
-the car isn't washed,
-the bills aren't paid,
-there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
-the flowers don't have enough water,
-there is still only one check in my check book,
-I can't find the remote,
-I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, --your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
Magician
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."
Insurance
Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"
Job Market
If you're in the job market right now you might want to familiarize yourself with the Human Resources Lingo...
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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Joke of the day:
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the
hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began
explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the
one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting
for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
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Love Bug,
I drive a mini van and it is the best vehichle we own. The seats come out for extra cargo and it really helps with keeping the boys separated one in back and one in the middle. I know some vans and SUV's come with DVD players installed and that is great for those long trips. You should look in Consumer Report magazine for which is the best, for crash tests etc and maybe a few p.commers will have some more suggestions, good luck on your search!
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I took my two sons a couple of weeks ago to watch "Are we there Yet?" We got there at 8:45 and were not too far from the doors. Well 3 ladies up a woman let 5 women along with all there children get in line with her and then the lady in front of me was yelling to a lady at the end of the line to let her kids come up and sit on the curb in the shade. The lady came up with 6 kids all wearing a day care shirt and then they are saying when so and so gets here we will have 21 so get seats for 21. I was very upset. I don't care how Free the movies are it is not worth it to go I would rather spend full price and at least have a seat and not have to put up with the BULL! Once we got into the movies there were a few seats in front of my 6 year old and this huge man, I mean a wrester type sits right in front of my son who can't see now. So we will not be going back the worst experience we have encountered!
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Experience
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."
Elderly Men...
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
11 People On A Rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
Work appearence
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
[Thanks to Readers Digest.]
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Joke of the day:
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the
left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says,
"Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus
it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
and is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the
question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a
thing but the other two call him boss!"
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They were saying on Fox News that when the girl was attacked the shark was coming in to shore to feed on fish and the kids were out to far where people off the piers were fishing. They were splashing etc and that is what attracted the shark. With the teen age boy, they were fishing with shrimp in chest high water and the shark attacked without them knowing about it. Florida is sending out warnings that it is illegal to chum fish, do not go out to far in the water, and do not swim near people fishing. We were planning on going to Panama in about 3 weeks maybe they will like the pool better this year!
joke
in Internet Cafe
Posted
Joke of the day:
As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area
High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students
can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30
minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with
one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight
ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"