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lumak

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Posts posted by lumak

    Another Funny One

    in Internet Cafe

    Posted

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

    his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

     

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

    my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a

    little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman

    needs something to protect herself with, right?? WAY TOO COOL!

     

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc

    of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

    the face of her microwave.

     

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

     

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really

    needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must

    admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

    thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give

    this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

    assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

     

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

    taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock

    and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

    muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

    would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out

    of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

    batteries.

     

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,

    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with

    two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

     

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

     

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

    side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my

    naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .

    WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

     

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over

    and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

    position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

    position, and tingling in my legs?

     

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a

    picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

    avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

     

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yoursel f with a taser, one note

    of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

    yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

    your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second

    burst would be considered conservative?

     

    IT HURT LIKE HECK!!!

     

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed

    the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the

    fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

    originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently

    I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell

    was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head w hich I believe came

    from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a

    significant reward for their safe return!!

     

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

     

    'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

     

     

     

     

    Out of the Mouth's of 14yo's

    in Internet Cafe

    Posted

    Last night my hubby told my son to load the dishwasher. Being 14, he ask him why he had to do dishes. So hubby went into the whole spiel about giving him a roof over his head, clothes to wear, food to eat and went on to tell him that if it weren't for him he would not even be here. So my quick witted son turns and looks at him and says " Dad....I happen to know that the reason I am here, is because I was irresponsibly placed in Moms womb, because you had unprotected sex and that it is a fact that I was an accident. So...Had you used protection, you would not have to clothe me, feed me, or put a roof over my head and I would not have to do dishes." :blink:

     

    I spewed Diet Sprite all over my nicely mopped kitchen floor and looked over at my hubby and he was in the floor. I thought I would have to give him CPR!

     

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

     

    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

    What does Memorial Day mean to you?

    in Internet Cafe

    Posted

    Memorial Day is a wonderful day for me to reflect on my family. My husband has proudly served 21 yrs active duty in the military serving overseas in various assignments. I am extremely proud of him. My oldest son has entered the military as did his father. My heart is full of joy and I am so incredibly proud of my husband and son.

    Need Feedback On an Idea

    in Internet Cafe

    Posted

    I think it would be a fantastic idea. My daughter is autistic and has intractible epilepsy with placement of vagal nerve stimulator. Sensory is a HUGE issue for our family. I utilize different things to help her but having a place like that would be great. If you decide to pursue this let me know and I would love to be a part of it.

    Bi-Polar in Teens

    in Internet Cafe

    Posted

    i understand what you are going through. My daughter was diagnosed with add, adhd, odd, bipolar, aspergers then finally autism mixed in with "organic brain syndrome." I understand your frustration. Her brain gets "stuck" on certain issues and it can be a challenge to say the least to "redirect" her brain. Very frustrating at times.

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