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bwitchy

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Blog Entries posted by bwitchy

  1. bwitchy
    Every now and again the universe decides to send you a day that just smacks you around a bit, a day that leaves you bruised and a little more broken on the inside than you were before. You know, the type of day that just reminds you how truly insignificant you are in this great, big universe and reminds you exactly where you are on everyone else's lists of priorities. I suppose that these days are good in a way--they assist us in keeping our egos in check, help us to re-evaluate priorities of our own, and ultimately pound home the idea that we are truly alone in this world. I realize that the last part of that statement is perhaps a tad pessimistic; however, it has nonetheless never been more apparent to me than right now. We come into this world alone. We die alone. And, to be perfectly honest, we go through most of the sh*t in our lives alone, too. Yes, we may have others who provide an audience for the trials and tribulations sprung on us by this thing called human existence--hell, we may even be lucky enough to have someone who has been through/experienced a similar situation and can empathize with us during "our time of need." But, when it all comes down to it, we are alone. No one else feels what we feel exactly the same way we feel it. No one can really help us work through the demons running amuck in our heads. No one is walking the path of life in exactly the same way at exactly the same time that we are. Perhaps this is the price we pay for individuality? I suppose the best we can really hope for is to have one or two empathetic people who claim to 'be there' for us--if you have even one, count yourself lucky--more than one, truly blessed. I, however, have realized that I am completely and utterly without such a person. Perhaps the events of the day have just been a gentle reminder from the universe to start rebuilding/strengthening/fortifying the walls that I am so fond of or perhaps this whole blog is proof positive that I need more sleep. Either way, it's something on which to ponder...
  2. bwitchy

    Trust Issues

    By bwitchy,

    I can openly admit that I have trust issues. As much as I would love to be more open and allow people to come closer, I simply can not bring myself to do it. I'm suspicious by nature. I've been burned too many times by people whom I thought I could trust, and I'm simply not willing to allow myself to be vulnerable like that again. I suppose the "once bitten/ twice shy" rule applies.
     
    Now, I don't think that makes me a "bad" person or even an unusual person in today's society, but it does have me thinking. How often do we miss out on a great opportunity b/c of the trust baggage we continue to lug with us? How often do we push someone away or snap up a wall emotionally because of those trust issues? I know, speaking for myself, it's quite frequently. I just can't help myself although it IS something on which I've been working--self-improvement if you will. I do realize that this suspicion/lack of trust is a choice, and I suppose it's something with which I am willing to live... for now...or else the behavior would have been abandoned. However, it doesn't make me doubt myself any less. (Perhaps my suspicious nature extends even to myself--I've certainly given myself enough reasons NOT to trust me. )
     
    In any event, I guess I just have some regrets with respect to trusting/ not trusting, and I was wondering if others did as well. If nothing else, perhaps this is an area in which more reflection/ meditation is needed.
  3. bwitchy
    During a conversation on the board the other day, another member and I started speaking about loneliness in its various forms. Certainly there is the physical state of being alone, but there is also the mental state of feeling alone. Surely you can have one without the other, as we have all experienced that feeling of being in a crowded room, yet feeling mentally alone while surrounded by others. Likewise we have all experienced the solitude of no one around and yet not felt lonely because we knew mentally that we had friends, family, etc. who loved and cared about us.
     
    Some would say that we as humans create our own state of loneliness because we build walls rather than bridges. On the one hand, walls are very safe; their purpose is to keep out danger and that which is unwanted. Bridges, on the other hand, are somewhat frightening in that they allow the flow of ideas, people, and emotions from one area to another. The real question is why do we build walls and thus create our own loneliness in many cases? Why are we as humans more likely to close ourselves off from that which we often desire the most--companionship?
     
    I think the answer is rather simple: fear. Sometimes it's the fear of the unknown. Other times it's the fear of what we feel we know will happen. Both are equally powerful, enough so that we feel we must build our walls higher and stronger to fortify our inner being. A bridge would allow all that we fear to slide right into our inner sanctum, it would allow it access to the essence of who we are--the gooey center if you will, and we wouldn't want that now would we? But, why since the thing we often desire the most is for someone to "know" us--to really know and understand us?
     
    Simply put, prior experiences. As children we are, for the most part, open and willing to trust. We both literally and figuratively heal more quickly because we have fewer life experiences on which to build our fears. The affected area grows back smooth and untarnished, but as we grow and accumlate these experiences, they have a callousing effect. (Yes, I made up that word. ) Those callouses are what become our walls. Each time we put ourselves "out there" in the world and take that risk by building a bridge rather than a wall, we open ourselves up for attack. Anything and everything can just wander right on into the sanctity of our safe and secure walls. Then, when that "thing" (be it a person, an emotion, or an event--whatever) does not turn out to be what we thought it was going to be, and we are forced to extract it, there is damage. The longer the "thing" exists within our walls, the more of a callous that forms upon its extraction. Think of it as a splinter around which the skin grows if you will. However, even those things that do not reside within our walls for lengthy periods of time can sometimes do great damage depending upon what they are--these are perhaps the things we regret the most later because we simply recognized a split second too late that we did not retract the drawbridge when we should have.
     
    So, why ever put down the drawbridge? After being calloused time and time again, why do we as humans continue to put ourselves out there? I know, for myself, it is sometimes much easier to withdraw--to fortify the walls of my being and cauk all the gaps. But, that retreat usually only lasts for a relatively short period of time; then I find myself enveloped in loneliness once again, which in turn makes me miserable. It is at that point that I have to overcome my fears (of the unknown and of what I feel is known) and lower the drawbridge once again. It is always a frightening time because it leaves me vulnerable to attack. There are many out there who are malicious and have the worst of intentions. They are not always easy to spot; they prey on those who are in that vulnerable state much like a lion looks for the zebra that has strayed from the herd. They lay in wait--hidden within forests of tress and behind the tall grass. They come disguised in the form of friendship and companionship. Certainly they leave scars, sometimes deep ones. However, we as humans need interaction. We ARE pack animals and crave companionship; therefore, it is a necessary risk. I think that all we can hope for is to learn from the mistakes of the past, move forward, and be a little more careful when lowering our drawbridges, for if we never lower them again, we will surely starve because companionship IS an essential nutrient in a healthy life. Without it, we will die--perhaps not literally, but most assuredly mentally...spiritually, and that is perhaps the thing we all fear the most.
  4. bwitchy
    Yep, I've cleaned my physical house so to speak and have gotten many things in order over the past year. It has certainly been a year of changes for me, but what of the non-physical--i.e. "spiritual" house? That, too, needs cleaning, and I feel it is time to tackle it.
     
    Most of you know that I've been on this board for a little over two years. I'm sure that some of you were displeased with some of the changes you've noticed over the past year, especially in my behavior and attitudes toward some of you. I have been in a very dark place emotionally given all that has been transpiring in my personal life, and whether you be Christian or Pagan, you know that those are the times when the "dark side" will strike b/c you are susceptible for attack. Mind you, that coming under the influence of a dark force is not something that you ever really see coming or for which you can necessarily prepare yourself--regardless of how well you think you ARE prepared for such a time. Nevertheless, I embraced this new force. It provided an outlet for all of the anger and frustration I was feeling; it allowed me a freedom that I should not have taken, but I did take it. That is a key statement, BTW,: I took it--no one forced me or cajoled me, I did it of my own free will. It is important to understand that I do accept full responsibility for MY own actions, which is why I feel such remorse for them now.
     
    I have already my apologies in person to some who needed them; however, there are countless others who came under my attacks without provocation and without any good reason to whom I've not yet apologized. To you, who do not know me in "real life," I do apologize, and you will simply have to take my word that I deeply regret my actions over the past year and with the utmost sincerity apologize for them. I suppose the lesson in all of this is that regardless of your age, you're never too old to "fall into the wrong crowd."
  5. bwitchy
    I know I've not been posting as much over here lately (for a variety of reasons); however, I am sure that some of the regulars have picked up on the fact that I am in the process of getting a divorce from my husband of almost 17 years--my "high school sweatheart." I've not made a huge deal about this b/c I am not one, for the most part, to air my personal business on a public board. Nevertheless, I do feel a little clarification is needed with regards to this matter.
     
    It has been a very difficult couple of months for me and my kids, but we are slowly but surely working through things. Ultimately I think that the situation will work out for the best although it has taken me some time to come to that conclusion. I know that the Lady and Lord have a master plan, and I am trusting in their divine guidance. I suppose what I want to emphasize to those who know me and who are perhaps concerned about me is this: I am doing fine right now. Everyone is still in a period of adjustment, but I have to say that I'm pretty happy right now--happier than I've been in quite some time. Positive energy is always welcome during any major life transition, so keep me in your thoughts. I'm really looking forward to what the future holds and am eager to begin this second phase of my life.
  6. bwitchy
    As I'm sitting here unable to get more than a couple of hours of sleep, my mind tends to race and wander, and for some reason tonight it keeps coming back to this one situation from a few years ago.
    This took place before we moved to the Paulding County area, We were still living in a very small subdivision where many of the owners had pets. Most of the owners were very responsible and kept their pets in their back yards, almost all of which were fenced in with tall privacy fences. However, there were a couple who simply refused (for whatever reason) to fence their yards and, instead, would allow their pets to roam free or would tie them out on ropes/chains, as was the case with the dog who lived across the street from us. The owner was, it seemed, rarely ever home, so the dog spent much of its time unattended and tied in the yard. Its favorite pastime was to chase squirrels and cats that would come within its view; however, because the dog was chained, it had a limited view and could never quite sink its teeth into the nimble critters. That didn't stop the dog from barking, and boy, did it bark! The yard was surrounded by various types of trees, and these were the favorite escape route of one cat in particular. The cat had figured out that if it ran up the tree closest to the dog, it could easily jump to another tree closer to the fence on the next yard and get away. The dog, however, would just pull and tug and strain to get loose from the tie that bound it, barking up the wrong tree the whole time for the next hour or so or until something else caught its attention.
    Now, as the neighbor, I found this whole scene to be sort of amusing at first--after all, the cats and the squirrels seem to take particular pleasure in tormenting the dog once they realized they were essentially safe. However, as the barking continued almost incessantly, it became a tiresome nuisance. After all, it's impossible to stop the nature of a dog, a cat, or a squirrel. There seemed to be no real solution--yelling at the dog to hush did no good because it didn't recognize the authority of anyone other than its master; the neighbor was almost never home and couldn't really be reached for complaint, and I doubt that talking to him would have done much good anyway; and trying to show the dog that the cat it thought it had treed wasn't *really* in that particular tree was futile. It was quite the conundrum.
    I'm not sure exactly why this has been on my mind tonight--I suppose that although amused by the craftiness of the cat and other critters at first, I really ended up feeling kind of sorry for the dog. All that energy expended for nothing--barking up the wrong tree because of its own limited vision and refusal to learn from its past mistakes. I suppose to some extent we are all creatures of habit whether they serve us well or not. It's kind of sad if you really think about it. I would have to hold out hope that eventually we can evolve past that.
  7. bwitchy
    Although technically my tradition's new year begins at Samhain, I always take time to pause and reflect upon the end of the calendar year as well. Marking time is an excellent way to mark one's own progress and transitions, and I always try to take a little time to evaluate where I was this time last year and where I am now and hope that I am better off. For many years, it did not seem to be so. Each "new year" simply brought promises of what *could* be rather than a celebration of what is/was, and while the new year DOES bring many unknown promises of gifts to come/ dreams yet to be realized, more and more I am realizing that it is important to live "in" the moment and celebrate that as well.
    While I realize that I am not *exactly* where I hope to be by next year's end, I can also recognize that I *am* much closer and much happier than I've been in a very long time. I have friends with whom to share the good times and the bad, and, even in this rather rocky economy, I have been able to build a financial stability unlike any I've enjoyed for some time. My kids are awesome and probably happier than they have been in a very long time. Overall, I while I continue to set goals for myself (as I feel this is important to promote growth), I am for once not just looking forward to what will be but also enjoying what is.
    During this holiday season, I can only hope the same for you all. Brightest Blessings for a spectacular New Year and all that it brings!
  8. bwitchy
    More and more these days I am struck with the wanning intelligence of our society as a whole. I suppose what grinds my nerves the most are those who continually "play dumb." I always have to ask myself the question, "Are they really playing? And, if they are, then what do they possibly hope to gain from doing so?" I have come to the conclusion then, that one can not simply "play" dumb without actually being stupid. Sadly there are enough folks out there who simply lack real mental capacity--real intelligence; we simply do not need more. Too bad those who decide to "play dumb" aren't actually "dumb," meanining unable to speak. At least then we wouldn't be tortured with listening to them.
     
    Now, please do not confuse "dumbness" or stupidity with ignorance. Ignorance can be corrected through education. Stupid is fo-eva!
     
    Just my thought for the day!
  9. bwitchy

    Stabalizing...

    By bwitchy,

    I've not blogged in quite some time, but I feel as my one year "anniversary" approaches, it is time for an update. It was in March of last year that me and my now ex seperated. At the time, I was completely devestated. It's amazing to me the difference a year makes.
     
    Over the past year I have really learned a great deal about myself. And, I realize (as I think most people do with time) that even the most "devestating" experiences happen for good reason. I know now that while my time with the "ex" gave me three wonderful children, the relationship itself did little to nourish my spirit and growth.
     
    That has been my goal over the past few months in particular: to nourish MY spirit. I've had quite a bit of time to get to know myself these past 12 months, and I came to realize I didn't like much of who I was a year ago on a personal level. However, I do feel like the whirlwind has stopped and rather than being in bland Kansas, I am now in the land of Oz--full of potential and possibility. I am Dorothy on the quest, eager to travel down the yellow brick road, to meet the unfamilar, and to find my own treasure that awaits.
     
    I hope that those of you who are experiencing similar situations can find the type of support that I have had. Many people both on and off of the board have really been there--to listen, to advise, to cry with, and to pick me up, dust me off, and set me back on the path. You all have my eternal gratitude. For those of you still struggling, I know it's cliche, but time will heal the wounds and you will probably look back and realize that it was all for the best.
    Bright Blessings!
    Bwitchy
  10. bwitchy
    Once again this morning I'm feeling a bit reflective, and one of the things foremost on my mind in light of recent events in my personal life is the notion of men and women being friends. Friendship is a tenuous thing. When we are young, we make friends quite easily--boy, girl, doesn't really matter. Taking it back to the sandbox... Being in the same place at the same time is enough for us to call another human "friend." Then as we grow up, society teaches us that friendship is a much more complicated thing. It involves bonds, trust, emotion, history, baggage, the list could go on and on, but I think you "get" my point. My question is this: Is friendship really that complicated as we get older or do we make it that way because society and "life experience" tells us so? The more I meditate the more I realize we do so much to ourselves in this life--much moreso than others do to us. People can't do things "to us." We have to allow them into our lives and give them the power to "do to us." It's not something they can just take on their own. It's a choice WE make as humans. So, heading back to my original topic of men and women being friends...
     
    Is it really possible? Or does society indoctrinate us to feel that men and women can only have a sexual/ physical relationship? Anyone who has watched When Harry Met Sally knows that was a question at the root of the movie's theme. Of course, in that instance, it turned out that they could not as Harry slept with Sally and eventually fell in love with her in true Hollywood fashion. Real life is a bit more complicated, in my opinion, or perhaps it isn't, but it does provide some food for thought. Are we as evolved as we think we are, or are we really just primal creatures looking for the perfect opportunity for the next "hook up"?
     
    In addition, is it possible for exlovers to ever be friends? (Lovers here is used loosely as a term referring to people who have been in a relationship not necessarily people who have had sex.) I hesitate to say they can be--I do feel that anyone who was in an intimate relationship with another and then falls out of that relationship does so for a reason, usually having to do with trust on some level. That brings us back to the question of trust in friendship--doesn't one have to TRUST another in order to be friends with him/her? After all, friends are those with whom you share your most intimate secrets--sometimes even those secrets that aren't shared with a lover. I know for a fact that although I would have considered him to be my best friend for the better part of my adult life, my ex and I are certainly no longer friends. Yet, each of us knows things about the other that we choose to keep private as a result of the former bonds of that relationship. Again, a point to ponder...on some level even though trust has be irrepairably violated there, doesn't some form of trust have to continue to exist?
     
    I guess the conclusion that I've come to is this...I miss the sandbox. Life was much less complicated; friendship was much less complicated. Friendship IS a tenuous, precious thing, so when it is found, it must be treasured and nurtured. We can't allow anyone or anything to begin to eat away at it lest it disappait quickly.
  11. bwitchy
    Well, I suppose this is my year of fresh starts b/c it looks like I'm going to be moving this summer on top of everything else.
     
    I'll still be in PC, but we (the kids and I) are looking to move into a house that's bigger than where we are now, and it's a swim community, which is a big plus for the summer. If I don't go completely crazy this year, I'll be doing well!
     
    Now, what are those "high stressers" again?
  12. bwitchy
    Are people really that complicated, or do we just like to pretend we are? I mean, how much of the crap that goes on in our lives do we do to ourselves? Is being complicated considered a "good" thing? I think if you ask 10 people what they really wanted out of life, the majority (if not all) of them would say something leading back to "simplification," being it a less stressful job, less hectic lifestyle, less drama-filled relationships. It’s kind of sad and funny when you think about it.
     
    Does it really make us more attractive to others/ more interesting to be complex or complicated? I think deep down, we’re all very simple creatures with simple needs and that scares the heck out of us.

  14. bwitchy
    Why is it that some people have more trouble letting go of things and moving forward than others? It's something about which I've wondered for some time. As I've said before, I am very much a "live and let live" kind of person. What may be your cup of tea may/may not be mine. I truly believe we are only accountable for our own actions and no one elses--we can't really control others, so why try? It is a waste of energy and very non-productive both physically and mentally. It's difficult enough for us to control ourselves without taking on the baggage of others. Personal responsibility is not an easy thing, but I know, speaking only for myself, that I work very hard at accepting responsibility for my own mistakes, learning from them, letting them go, and moving forward. Essentially growning as a person. Over the past year, I think I have gotten much better at doing just that. I am much more quick to remove myself from a "bad" situation than I once was rather that keeping myself in that position and hoping to be able to change it. For me, it's very much living by the philosophy of "merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again." I know that certain people and situations (both good and bad) come into my life as learning experiences. I would like to think that I am learning and moving forward. Perhaps it's all just part of a spirtual evolution, and we are all in different stages? I'm not sure.
     
    Hmmmm.....
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