Jennie
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Posts posted by Jennie
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I had a breast reduction/lift and a tummy tuck with some lipo. And yes I love the results. My husband took off a full week to be with me, but 4 days was enough. I am still numb in my abdomin from the procedure that was done March 30 2005. I had 2 drain tubes which were a pain, but overall not that bad. The pain was minimal, I was on Robaxin, a muscle relaxer, mepergan for pain then switched to percocet. I had it done by Marietta Plastic Surgery in Marietta-wwwmariettaplasticsurgery.com I used Dr. Lintner he was certified by the American Board of Plastic Surgery. 770-425-0118. I called them and they sent me a package of the procedures that I wanted done. They charged $50 consult fee and that goes toward your procedure. Dr. Lintner was really nice he took the time to explain everything and spent an extra 20 minutes with us answering questions that we had. My swelling is almost gone on my flanks from the lipo and I am wearing a mediun shirt where before I was wearing XL. I am in a 14 misses pants too. If you have any other questions you can pm me.
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Oneliners
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.
Punctual people have nothing better to do.
People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!
Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.
Save time . . . see it my way.
The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.
People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.
The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!"
Quick Quotes
"Happy Birthday to Jessica Simpson who turned 25 years old on Sunday. Jessica threw a surprise party for herself - and it worked. She had no idea!" --Jay Leno
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"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that." --Milton Jones
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"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." --Marcus Brigstocke
Names and Puns
I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin
Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser
Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes
Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant
Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood
Ready...Set...: Sadie Word
Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist
Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew
I'm Fine: Howard Yu
The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary
Mensa Man: Gene Yuss
Tear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma
The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp
Noise Abatement
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
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Speaking of safety for our kids, those of you who are going to work please obey the speed limit and STOP!!!!! at stop signs especially in subdivisions. If you are in a hurry try to leave a few minutes earlier. Thanks
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A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its
hiding place in the closet.
She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three
times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for
mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she
slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store
with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he
was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.
Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could
muster. No good Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on
the glass counter. That did it!
"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.
I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said
without waiting for a reply to his question. "Well, I want to talk to you
about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's
really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."
" I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.
" His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my
Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle
cost?"
"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,"
the pharmacist said, softening a little.
"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the
rest. Just tell me how much it costs."
The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked
the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"
" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's
really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay
for it, so I want to use my money."
" How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.
"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. "And it's all
the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."
"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents---the
exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "
He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten
and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet
your parents Let's see if I have the miracle you need."
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in
neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long
until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them
to this place. That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I
wonder how much it would have cost?"
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and
eleven cents.plus the faith of a little child.
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I have never tried this with peaches only apples and it is wonderful with vanilla ice cream. It is called an apple strudel and peaches can be used.
sliced apples or peaches
sugar
cinnamon
butter
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 egg
In a buttered baking dish put thick layers of chopped apples or peaches. Sprinkle each layer with sugar mixed with cinnamon. Dot with butter. In a mixing bowl sift 1 cup sugar, salt, flour, and baking powder; add egg. Mix until crumbly. Put over apple or peaches. Bake at 350 degrees till crust is brown. 4-6 servings. Enjoy!
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Facts about Men
We might have run these before, but in case you missed -- they're a hoot:
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
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I was sick for 6 months of my pregnancy. I was told to eat crackers in bed before I got up for the day. And I too developed heartburn so I finally realized that any breads including crackers were giving me heartburn so I stopped eating bread products and that helped with the heartburn as for the nasuea, it is all those hormones running through your system. I hope you find some relief!
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Subject: FW: Fw: Bumper Stickers
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>> "IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
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>> Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
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>> If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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>> Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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>> The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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>> I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
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>> So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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>> Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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>> If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
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>> Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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>> Illiterate? Write For Help.
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>> Honk If Anything Falls Off.
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>> Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
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>> He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
>> But is Miles From The Next Exit.
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>> I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
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>> You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
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>> I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
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>> Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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>> (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
>> If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
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>> Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
>> Also Are Timed For 70 mph
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>> Guys: No Shirt, No Service
>> Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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>> If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like
>> Jabba The Hut?
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>> Ax Me About Ebonics.
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>> Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
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>> Boldly Going Nowhere.
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>> Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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>> Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
>> For Eating His Animal Friends
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>> Honk If You've Never Seen
>> An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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>> How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
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>> GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
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>> All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> And Lastly:
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>> "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME
REASON"
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intellicast.com
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Enjones, Thanks for the question, my kids ask me all the time what happened to his had? We have only been in Dallas for 10 years and every time we go through downtown I hear the question. I hope someone knows since inquiring minds want to know.
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The Life of a Dog
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
The Life of a Cat
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Signing the Declaration...
A school teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
He said, "Darn if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.
She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!"
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Pil Sung Do. Mr. Larry Key is really good with kids. You can go to www.pilsungdo.com to read about him and his beliefs. I do the Cardio Kickboxing and have for a year. I think they even have a class for little Dragons now 3 or 4 years of age. The phone number is 770-443-6460 and they are located in Citizen Square, 4075 Marietta Hwy. Good luck on your search!
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Subject: Love Italian Style
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried
the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
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Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
Funny Quotes
"War of The Worlds" is continuing to do huge business. You know the H.G. Wells classic where the earth is invaded by aliens and they can't be stopped. They went from city to city vaporizing everything in their path. And California still voted to give them driver's licenses." --Jay Leno
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"President Bush had a minor bike accident recently. The White House physician said he should be fine and back on his Big Wheel in no time." --Conan O'Brien
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"Do you know about this? (Recently) in Scotland, President Bush was riding his bicycle when he collided with a police officer. Personally, I blame the police officer. He should have heard Bush coming with all those baseball cards in his spokes." --Jay Leno
Hang-gliding
Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge-- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
Flying
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the in- evitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
[borrowed from Reader's Digest.]
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Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese
So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so......Time to shut UP.....!
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U-P
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Remembering Hollywood Squares
If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, these tidbits may bring tears of joy to your eyes!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
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Quick Quotes
"Experts in Washington say that if the coast guard's ships aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that should ever happen -- imagine what this place would be like if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?" --Jay Leno
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"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" --Conan O'Brien
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Marriage Problems
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."
The wife said, "Seven weeks."
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Fishing...
An oldie, but goodie...
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
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Bubba and Billy Bob
While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
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Necessary Information for the 40-and-older crowd
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
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The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40...
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
You can't remember who sent you this list.
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Digits...
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"
"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"
Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"
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Signs Found In Kitchens
1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
...and the best one of them all...
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Buying a Car
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!"
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)
Life as a Bear
In my next life -- I Want to be a Bear...
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear.
Father is a lawyer...
While in Atlanta on vacation, Little Johnny's Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown.
Two young families were also in line to the see the sites. Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line.
"My name is Tommy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Johnny".
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?" asked Tommy.
Little Johnny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Tommy.
Johnny replied, "No, just the regular kind."
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Joke of the day:
A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his
body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I
touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"
"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."
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Joke of the day:
A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.
He asks, Any grounds?
Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.
Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ?
Woman: No, we have a car port.
Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ?
Woman: No,I get up before him.
Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ?
Woman: No, my husband wants it...he says he can't communicate with me !
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Joke of the day:
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was
amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He
stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here
in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way
to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, ""tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike.
"'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."
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I cook the tater tots on a sheet pan on the grill and turn them so they dont burn.
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Hamburgers on the grill and tater tots along with baked beans.
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Bar Competition
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Property Manager
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Organization Body
The body of any organization has four bones:
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.
Choices...
There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
Random Funnies
After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see we're adders."
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The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level.
Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.
The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung.
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TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you? You are built upside down.
Epidural
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"
Diagnosis
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"
Breakfast
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"
"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
Dixie Gas Station
in Internet Cafe
Posted
Does anyone know what is going on at the Dixie Gas Station on W. Memorial Dr. in Dallas. A few weekends ago saw several SO there on a Sunday. And then one behind me pulled into there the next night and there is no one there. No business at all. Noticed last night same thing officer there, but no one getting gas! Does anyone know what it up? Thanks