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Holidays and Mother in laws


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Holidays are suppose to be joyful, not for me. My Mother comes to visit us from out of town each holiday and ususally ends up staying 2 to 3 weeks. My husband gets really annoyed and after a week he has reached his limits with her. I can tell he's already at that point. But she has said she is staying until the 14th. So of course he is pissed. I am so upset with him because of how he is acting. That is my mother and as my husband he should just tolerate it. How am I suppose to tell my Mother to go home? I also have a brother that lives in Marietta, but he stays in an apartment, and she doesnt go stay with him any, I guess she feels more comfortable at my house. My husband feels that she should split her time between the two. Anybody else have this issue?

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Hotels are great places.

Free breakfast also.

 

She would die if I asked her to stay at a hotel. Im at my wits end, there is no peace in my home right now, between my husband and I. And on top of that she takes it upon herself to invite some other relatives over to my house without checking with me first so that really ticked him off. Im soooo stressed right now!!!!

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She would die if I asked her to stay at a hotel. Im at my wits end, there is no peace in my home right now, between my husband and I. And on top of that she takes it upon herself to invite some other relatives over to my house without checking with me first so that really ticked him off. Im soooo stressed right now!!!!

 

 

You ought to support your husband,you didn't marry your mother and she shouldn't be inviting people over without checking with you first.

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You ought to support your husband,you didn't marry your mother and she shouldn't be inviting people over without checking with you first.

Does he dislike your mother. Or is it just this issue. Is she aware of his feelings. I suggest he speak to her about his feelings, and until he does he can't gripe too you.

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You ought to support your husband,you didn't marry your mother and she shouldn't be inviting people over without checking with you first.

I disagree. Strongly. If you don't hate your Mom and think she is a piece of dodo, back your mother. Your husband will just have to get over himself for a few weeks. No?

 

If you like and love her then back her.

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My wife and I have an understanding.

If we have any guest that is staying more than two nights, either I or they will be at a hotel.

I am ok either way, me or them.

(but I am in hotels a lot, so I'm sure that is why I don't care if I stay in one)

The wife understands and is ok with it.

This rule does not apply to our kids or grandkids.

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Does he dislike your mother. Or is it just this issue. Is she aware of his feelings. I suggest he speak to her about his feelings, and until he does he can't gripe too you.

 

 

He doesnt dislike her, he just gets annoyed with the things she does. And I have told him the same thing, you tell her if it bothers you that much, but stop bitching to me about it. Im just tired of it, it's year in and year out. I have said next year, im going on vacation away from everybody. I just don't want to deal with it!!

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He doesnt dislike her, he just gets annoyed with the things she does. And I have told him the same thing, you tell her if it bothers you that much, but stop bitching to me about it. Im just tired of it, it's year in and year out. I have said next year, im going on vacation away from everybody. I just don't want to deal with it!!

Just as long as you understand you are being disrespected. By a man. Try it on his family sometime.

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I disagree. Strongly. If you don't hate your Mom and think she is a piece of dodo, back your mother. Your husband will just have to get over himself for a few weeks. No?

 

If you like and love her then back her.

 

 

I do not hate my mother. The things she does do irriate me too, but I just keep thinking the 2 to 3 weeks will be over and she will be going home. Plus she is getting older and I just want to be with her as much as I can. The things she does that bothers him are she moans and groans about everything, she always claiming to be sick and wants us to wait on her hand and foot, she volunteers to babysit my brothers son at my house without asking (my husband has low tolerance for toddlers), she invites other family members over without asking us. She eats us out of a house and home.. She holds on to everything when she walks, so you can see her handprints on all the walls. It goes on and on but these are what irritates him the most. Im just exhausted from him bickering to me about it!!

Edited by Candycane
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He doesnt dislike her, he just gets annoyed with the things she does. And I have told him the same thing, you tell her if it bothers you that much, but stop bitching to me about it. Im just tired of it, it's year in and year out. I have said next year, im going on vacation away from everybody. I just don't want to deal with it!!

You only have ome mom and this time with her is precious. He neeeds to be mature enough to get it. He sounds like a whiney spoiled baby.

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Maybe you should call your brother, explain the situation and ask if he could possibly invite her to his place for a week. She doesn't have to know you called and he could just tell her he wants to spend some time with her.

 

I kind of understand how your husband feels. My husband's sister and BIL used to drive down from Canada and stay with us for SIX WEEKS every winter. She is the type that "takes over" the house (cooks, puts stuff where she wants them rather than where we want them, plans the weekend activities, etc). He is VERY opinionated, doesn't like ANYTHING, and just wants to watch TV, smoke his pipe and drink. Needless to say, after the first week, we began counting the days till we could have our house back!

 

Several years ago, we built a vacation home in SC; when they come to visit, they stay in SC and we visit them on the weekends. They have their space, we have our space, and we can visit without getting on each others nerves.

 

Ask your brother to do you a favor and give you a break. I know she's your mom, but it sounds like its getting to the point where something is going to get said that's going to cause some hurt feelings.

 

After reading the other responses, how about next year tell your husband your gift to HIM is that YOU are going to visit HER for the holidays?

Edited by BooRadley
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You only have ome mom and this time with her is precious. He neeeds to be mature enough to get it. He sounds like a whiney spoiled baby.

 

 

Exactly, he was not close with his mom, so he doesnt get it. Regardless of her faults, she's my mom and I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can. But he doesnt get that. When my kids were younger they would go stay with my mom and dad during the summer for years, he didnt have a problem with her then. My dad passed about 5 years ago and we are all she has. It just hurts me he feels this way and can't tolerate it for 2 to 3 weeks, it's not like its 2 to 3 months.

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Maybe you should call your brother, explain the situation and ask if he could possibly invite her to his place for a week. She doesn't have to know you called and he could just tell her he wants to spend some time with her.

 

I kind of understand how your husband feels. My husband's sister and BIL used to drive down from Canada and stay with us for SIX WEEKS every winter. She is the type that "takes over" the house (cooks, puts stuff where she wants them rather than where we want them, plans the weekend activities, etc). He is VERY opinionated, doesn't like ANYTHING, and just wants to watch TV, smoke his pipe and drink. Needless to say, after the first week, we began counting the days till we could have our house back!

 

Several years ago, we built a vacation home in SC; when they come to visit, they stay in SC and we visit them on the weekends. They have their space, we have our space, and we can visit without getting on each others nerves.

 

Ask your brother to do you a favor and give you a break. I know she's your mom, but it sounds like its getting to the point where something is going to get said that's going to cause some hurt feelings.

Tbis is a nice compramise.

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Exactly, he was not close with his mom, so he doesnt get it. Regardless of her faults, she's my mom and I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can. But he doesnt get that. When my kids were younger they would go stay with my mom and dad during the summer for years, he didnt have a problem with her then. My dad passed about 5 years ago and we are all she has. It just hurts me he feels this way and can't tolerate it for 2 to 3 weeks, it's not like its 2 to 3 months.

Maybe you can tell him that this small amount of time is for you and your Mom and he has nothing to say about it. He has nothing to say because this person is your mother.

 

You only get one.

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Exactly, he was not close with his mom, so he doesnt get it. Regardless of her faults, she's my mom and I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can. But he doesnt get that. When my kids were younger they would go stay with my mom and dad during the summer for years, he didnt have a problem with her then. My dad passed about 5 years ago and we are all she has. It just hurts me he feels this way and can't tolerate it for 2 to 3 weeks, it's not like its 2 to 3 months.

I think you need to get him to talk about his real feelings, he feels pushed out. He may be jealous of the closeness you share that he never had, he needs a mom too, not jus you. They need to build a relatiomship were he accepts nuturing from both of you, and grown men very much nedd the security that nurturing brings.

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Exactly, he was not close with his mom, so he doesnt get it. Regardless of her faults, she's my mom and I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can. But he doesnt get that. When my kids were younger they would go stay with my mom and dad during the summer for years, he didnt have a problem with her then. My dad passed about 5 years ago and we are all she has. It just hurts me he feels this way and can't tolerate it for 2 to 3 weeks, it's not like its 2 to 3 months.

That's the key phrase...they would go stay with HER and he didn't have to deal with her. Again, short term solution would be to see if your brother would ask her to stay with him for a week. Next year, you go visit HER!

Edited by BooRadley
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Be strong! Set boundaries for your visitors. Let them know where you stand on inviting others to your home. Hand her a cleaning rag to clean the walls where she puts her hands (maybe she doesn't realize she leaves fingerprints, cleaning them will reinforce her need to keep her hands off the walls). Let her know she will be waiting on herself and that you could use her help with the house, cooking, etc. I understand you want to be with your Mom as much as possible, but you must take control of your own home.

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On the "other" hand, she should be respectful and mindful of her Families needs, feelings, and property. You shouldn't be inviting other people into a home where, you are the guest. Nor, do you damage their property, like putting your hands all over the walls and things. If she is that unstable, she may need a walker!!! Seriously, she will be better off in the long run, if she used a walker. She also should help with the chores around the house, too. Now, if she is in bad health, I wouldn't expect her to.

 

Also, she should be helping with the groceries, too. She would have to buy her own groceries if she were at home, right?? Times are hard and she should be considerate. I know that this time is near and dear to you but, it goes both ways. Life is a two way street. Bless your heart, I know it must be hard but, hubby needs to be patient, also.

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When you marry, your spouse should become the new number one in your life. That doesn't mean you can't love your mother, it just means that your husband should be the most important person in your world.

 

Get your priorities in order and all will fall into place.

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Sounds like your Mother has no respect for you or your family. You may be ok with laying downand letting her walk all over you but dang do not make a wimp out of your husband as well. She is YOUR Mother so YOU should deal with her. You need to set ground rules that help her respect you ,your husband and your home or limit the time spent there to only a day visit while she stays elsewhere at night. Grow up and act like a married woman not a child.

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I agree that the best solution is that you go spend a week, if possible, with her at her home. Maybe between Thanksgiving and Christmas but be home with your husband on the holidays themselves.

 

I would never have a family member on either side come and stay doing the things you described, it is disrespectful to you, your husband and your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to be rude but your Mom seems self absorbed and does what she wants in your home without any concern for you or your husband.

 

You will always be a daughter but becoming a wife your priorities shifted when you agreed to love, honor and cherish your husband.

 

My husband and I have been married for 28 years and "respect" is the main ingredient, right after love.

 

I would also suggest you call your brother or other family she invites over and tell them you need them to spend some time with Mom. At their home.

Once "you" make a new plan it will be much easier and still give you time with your Mom.

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In my opinion, 3 weeks Is way too long to have a visitor in my home. Even if it were my mother, I would go nuts! If it were my mother-in-law, I would probably die. Problem solved. I think you should have a talk with your mother and let her know how your husband feels. It's probably not that he doesn't like her, he probably just feels uncomfortable having someone in his home for so long. I know I would. That's just me.

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I actually like my MIL but don't think I could stand her in my house for 3 weeks. As far as your husband complaining to you, well, it's your mom and you're the conduit to carry his gripes to her. The fact he's not going straight to her tells me that he is trying to respect your relationship and allowing you to handle things the right way instead of him just going off the handle and freaking out on her which, of course, would cause irreparable damage to not only his relationship with her but your relationship with her. For this reason, it seems it would be appropriate for you to find a tactful way to address his concerns with your mom...it may be tough but, as her daughter, you know the best way to handle this. And it needs to be handled because you're basically not allowing for any compromise and telling your husband to eat sheeze.

 

 

mrnn

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Just last night my wife commented on how nice it was to have my Mom visit this past week at Christmas. Guess I'm lucky. You should have the dicussion with your husband and your mother as to the when and how long before she shows up. That way everyone knows what to expect. Leaving an open ended invitation can only lead to disappointment and anger on many parts.

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Your Mother is family , tell your husband he needs to suck it up for 3 weeks .

I'm sure she can feel the tension , and may feel out of place anyway .

But parents need to be respected . And he should show her respect .

And he should show you respect by being cordial to your mother .

Not to sound mean , but I really feel family first

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If the suggestion she may need a walker is true, have her shop around for the assisted living places. There are three or four in Paulding alone. They have model rooms and I believe they can even let the elderly folks stay over night as they shop around.

 

Really, call a place like Creekside Pines and talk. You might be able to get a few nights off this way.

 

pubby

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Maybe you could talk to your mom about the things that are causing the problems. I'm sure she isn't trying to be a burden, maybe she doesn't realize that the things she is doing is causing a riff between you and your husband. I'm sure anything you say may hurt her feelings some, but imagine how she will feel if your husband finally "blows up" and tells her what he thinks!!

 

I guess I am lucky, my MIL has been at our house for about 3 weeks and I hardly know she is there. It makes my wife happy for her to be here, so that is what really matters.

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Maybe you could talk to your mom about the things that are causing the problems. I'm sure she isn't trying to be a burden, maybe she doesn't realize that the things she is doing is causing a riff between you and your husband. I'm sure anything you say may hurt her feelings some, but imagine how she will feel if your husband finally "blows up" and tells her what he thinks!!

 

I guess I am lucky, my MIL has been at our house for about 3 weeks and I hardly know she is there. It makes my wife happy for her to be here, so that is what really matters.

That is a great attitude to have. I am sure your wife appreciates it. I was raised to be respectful and tolerant of parents. It is just 3 weeks.

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I personally would have told my husband to get over it. But we had it easy since we always liked each others mothers.

 

Hubby had a friend that when his mother in law came into town, he always had a 'business trip' for most of her trip. Meaning after she had been there for a few days he would tell her he's really sorry but he had to take care of the business. Then he would go to the next city and check into a hotel. Last I heard he still does this and mother in law doesn't have a clue.

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At what point does your house become your own? I can't blame your husband for not wanting to hear whining and complaining and then for your Mom to be expected to be waited on hand and foot because she is a guest is just wrong. Inviting others over to your home without asking or at least a warning? I don't think so. My MIL is famous for saying things like, 'you have to because I'm your mother or you owe me because I'm your mother or I can get away with that because I'm your mother'. In one million years I would NEVER say ANYTHING like that to my kids. EVER.

 

She seems to be taking advantage and even if it is your Mom, there are boundaries and she has crossed them. I'm sorry, it's not a popular sentiment I'm sure, but you are married to your husband and that is where your loyalties should be.

Edited by momof 3
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At what point does your house become your own? I can't blame your husband for not wanting to hear whining and complaining and then for your Mom to be expected to be waited on hand and foot because she is a guest is just wrong. Inviting others over to your home without asking or at least a warning? I don't think so. My MIL is famous for saying things like, 'you have to because I'm your mother or you owe me because I'm your mother or I can get away with that because I'm your mother'. I one million years I would NEVER say ANYTHING like that to my kids. EVER.

 

She seems to be taking advantage and even if it is your Mom, there are boundaries and she has crossed them. I'm sorry, it's not a popular sentiment I'm sure, but you are married to your husband and that is where your loyalties should be.

Word. :good:

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It is just as much your husband's house as it is yours. Your husband would be more welcoming to her visit as long as the two of you agree on boundaries and make them known to her prior to her arrival.

 

When I lived with my parents, I respected my parent's rules. When they visit us, they respect our rules.

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At what point does your house become your own? I can't blame your husband for not wanting to hear whining and complaining and then for your Mom to be expected to be waited on hand and foot because she is a guest is just wrong. Inviting others over to your home without asking or at least a warning? I don't think so. My MIL is famous for saying things like, 'you have to because I'm your mother or you owe me because I'm your mother or I can get away with that because I'm your mother'. In one million years I would NEVER say ANYTHING like that to my kids. EVER.

 

She seems to be taking advantage and even if it is your Mom, there are boundaries and she has crossed them. I'm sorry, it's not a popular sentiment I'm sure, but you are married to your husband and that is where your loyalties should be.

 

Yes! This.

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