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Your first Christmas without the one you love


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My mom died 2 months before Christmas. Thanksgiving was awkward as we were getting accustomed to her being gone.

My mother loved Christmas, it was a fantasy that she lived every December.

We all went through the motions for our loved ones, but deep down we were sad.

We felt like we could not express our sadness because we did not want to bring everyone down.

 

I realized that year that we need to express our feelings. The Christmas song that makes you go to pieces in the store, you have to rush to the bathroom or car to get yourself together.

For me I walked into Ingles fudge was sitting on the table by the door. The dozen things a day you want to share.

 

I had a very strange thing happen to me the last couple of weeks, I have been making slide shows with family Christmas photos and putting them to music from our favorite CD's.

When I got to the oldest pictures I found myself grieving for my young children, I wanted to go back and hug them and hold them, and slow down time.

I was so busy back then working full time, trying to take care of 4 children.

 

I think for all of us that have lost a loved one, all Christmases are tinged with some sadness.

 

I know a few of you have lost someone close this year. Johnny J was with us Christmas eve . He looked so good in the pictures. He was always on site, I sometimes forget he is not on the other side of the screen.

I miss him so much, I find myself wishing for one more hug, the one I would remember forever. You never know when a hug is your last. Don't hold back.

Well I am getting teary eyed,

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I lost my mom in Oct 2006. In 1991 my maternal grandmother died on Christmas morning, another died years later on Dec 20. This past Christmas Eve, one of my younger cousins died, and his elderly father died 3 weeks later. We've had Christmas funerals some years. As much as I still honor Christmas from a religious standpoint, I have a very hard time still with all the other things about it. I don't do decorations and don't always do cards. Christmas songs make me cry. Then this year, with all those families in Newtown suffering so much this holiday. I hurt for them.

 

It's not the same. Some years all I do is weep. As years pass, I just kind of get through it, but to be honest, I dread it every year, and I'm relieved when it's over. Sounds awful, I know. Christmas Past was so happy. Christmas Present is just sad. Christmas Future.....I just get through it. Remember what the holiday is all about. It's all I know to do. :(

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This will be my first Christmas without my daddy. I have had several teary moments this season - the first when I was making my gift list and realized that he wouldn't be on it. But I know that the hardest holiday, for the rest of my life, will be Valentine's Day - that was Daddy's birthday. He died in late January, and I had a near meltdown the next time I went to the grocery store and saw all of the cards and heart-shaped boxes. He loved having a 'special' birthday, and never got tired of heart-shaped cookies and cakes and, years and years ago, the boxer shorts my mother got him with hearts on them. That's the day that is going to break my heart every year. :wub:

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My Mama's birthday was December 15th, and we lost her 9 Christmases ago.

It gets easier, by degrees (as in acuity of pain)...but it will never be the same again.

 

I still meet (with all of our adult children) at my sister's house on Christmas Eve...a gathering tradition as long as I can remember because my Mema's birthday was December 24th...Mema has been gone 23 years now.

 

December in general is a painful month, as it is for so many others.

I try to think of all of the positives. I have healthy children, husband, grandson, sister, niece and nephew~not dwell on those who are not here with us physically any longer.

Here is hoping you manage to have a joyous holiday season despite your loss.

:wub:

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This is my "year of firsts" since I lost my Dad in March.

 

I am having trouble whenever "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" comes on. The part about "through the years - we all will be together --- if the fates allow..." just tears me up.

 

I haven't really decorated a lot this year. It just doesn't feel right. We did get a tree and I have a few things up - I know Dad wouldn't want me not to celebrate Christmas, but I'm just trying to keep it all low key.

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My Mama's birthday was December 15th, and we lost her 9 Christmases ago.

It gets easier, by degrees (as in acuity of pain)...but it will never be the same again.

 

I still meet (with all of our adult children) at my sister's house on Christmas Eve...a gathering tradition as long as I can remember because my Mema's birthday was December 24th...Mema has been gone 23 years now.

 

December in general is a painful month, as it is for so many others.

I try to think of all of the positives. I have healthy children, husband, grandson, sister, niece and nephew~not dwell on those who are not here with us physically any longer.

Here is hoping you manage to have a joyous holiday season despite your loss.

:wub:

 

I had a Mema too! Mema's are special. My Mema's birthday was Dec. 21st, we always made a big deal out of it, because as a kid her parents just lumped it in with Christmas. The older I get the more I treasure her. She taught me manners, took me to church and loved me unconditionally. She was a second mother to my sisters and I.

 

This is my "year of firsts" since I lost my Dad in March.

 

I am having trouble whenever "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" comes on. The part about "through the years - we all will be together --- if the fates allow..." just tears me up.

 

I haven't really decorated a lot this year. It just doesn't feel right. We did get a tree and I have a few things up - I know Dad wouldn't want me not to celebrate Christmas, but I'm just trying to keep it all low key.

 

He does not want you to suffer, for him your separation is the blink of an eye. He can not comfort you now so live your life in joy until you are together again.

 

This will be my first Christmas without my daddy. I have had several teary moments this season - the first when I was making my gift list and realized that he wouldn't be on it. But I know that the hardest holiday, for the rest of my life, will be Valentine's Day - that was Daddy's birthday. He died in late January, and I had a near meltdown the next time I went to the grocery store and saw all of the cards and heart-shaped boxes. He loved having a 'special' birthday, and never got tired of heart-shaped cookies and cakes and, years and years ago, the boxer shorts my mother got him with hearts on them. That's the day that is going to break my heart every year. :wub:

 

That is so sweet.

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It gets easier, by degrees (as in acuity of pain)...but it will never be the same again.

 

Perfectly said, my dear. :wub: Daddy walked on ahead a little over five years ago, so this will be our sixth Christmas without him. Nothing is the same since then. We don't cry all the time or anything, but all of us feel pretty lackluster about the Christmas holidays now. We treasure the time we can spend together even more, though. We make a stab at holiday cheer because of the nephews, so that's prolly good. I read where Bethel Methodist(?) was having a Blue Christmas service for all the folks who were feeling down or who had suffered a loss this year...I thought that was one of the best things I'd heard of in a long time. How sweet.

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My sister passed in November or 2007, a week before her birthday and the beginning of the holiday season. It's always tough, but for whatever reason, the past month has been especially hard for me. I have been to her house since she died maybe 5 times and I needed to go yesterday to pick up a space heater, it almost killed me. My brother-in-law has seemed so lost since her death and her house has no life in it since shes been gone.

 

It's funny because people don't understand how this can still effect me so much. But it does and I miss her so much sometimes it actually hurts my heart. I try not to let others see, but Hubby knows me too well and I think my sadness makes him sad for me.

Edited by momof 3
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Thanks for this thread, LPPT! This is my first Christmas without my sister, who took her own life on April 2. Because she wasn't married and had no children, she always spent Christmas Eve with my family. If not before, she was always here when we got back from the in-laws on Christmas Eve night. After I got the hubby and kids to bed, we would fix our traditional Christmas Eve White Russians. After getting half-blitzed, we would make as many dishes as possible together for the next day ... set out Santa's gifts together ... clean everything up together ... and try to get some sleep (usually around 6 a.m.!) It just hurts so much that she chose to not be here anymore!

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I lost my Mom in '04. 3 days before my birthday and 2 weeks before Thanksgiving... and then there was Christmas. That year of first was horrific. RhondaW said it well, "It gets easier, by degrees (as in acuity of pain)...but it will never be the same again." I have found that my Grand has made it all happy again.

 

My Dad was to come up for Christmas, as he always does. I got a call at like 9 Friday night that he was going to just drive up yesterday. Then, yesterday I got a call at 12:30 that he wasn't going to make the trip again. I am not a Daddy's girl by any means, but it made me cry and has scared me about him. I'll be making the drive down sooner than later.

 

All that said, I have a photo of Mama in the dining room and sometime during the family dinner, when everyone is chatting and eating and laughing- I feel her there. She and I take a moment to feel the love and we just smile. I miss her so very much so this makes me very happy. :wub:

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Thanks for this thread, LPPT! This is my first Christmas without my sister, who took her own life on April 2. Because she wasn't married and had no children, she always spent Christmas Eve with my family. If not before, she was always here when we got back from the in-laws on Christmas Eve night. After I got the hubby and kids to bed, we would fix our traditional Christmas Eve White Russians. After getting half-blitzed, we would make as many dishes as possible together for the next day ... set out Santa's gifts together ... clean everything up together ... and try to get some sleep (usually around 6 a.m.!) It just hurts so much that she chose to not be here anymore!

 

That breaks my heart, I can't imagine how painful this Christmas is for you. It sounds like you were best friends.

Please treasure what you had. I left my home town 30 years ago, I love my sisters, but I am not close like that with any of them,

Sometimes it hurts when they talk about the things they do together. God had other plans for me and I accept that, but what he gave you with your sister is very special.

 

Maybe this will help you understand what your sister did, if she had a cancer that caused her so much pain, and their was no help, and she was terminal you would understand.

We have to live in our minds we have no choice and their is no medication to make the pain go away. Loved ones can offer comfort and companionship and still every thought leads to sadness and pain and you are trapped. People with depression and emotional problems live with a lot of guilt. They feel like they are a burden on loved ones.

 

Please try to see it as a cancer of the mind that became so painful she could not bare it any longer. People don't make that choice in their first deep depression.

 

I would hug you if I could.

 

I lost my Mom in '04. 3 days before my birthday and 2 weeks before Thanksgiving... and then there was Christmas. That year of first was horrific. RhondaW said it well, "It gets easier, by degrees (as in acuity of pain)...but it will never be the same again." I have found that my Grand has made it all happy again.

 

My Dad was to come up for Christmas, as he always does. I got a call at like 9 Friday night that he was going to just drive up yesterday. Then, yesterday I got a call at 12:30 that he wasn't going to make the trip again. I am not a Daddy's girl by any means, but it made me cry and has scared me about him. I'll be making the drive down sooner than later.

 

All that said, I have a photo of Mama in the dining room and sometime during the family dinner, when everyone is chatting and eating and laughing- I feel her there. She and I take a moment to feel the love and we just smile. I miss her so very much so this makes me very happy. :wub:

 

I am so glad your grand makes you happy, I know you had a terrible time with your mom passing. ((((hugs)))):wub:

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The year my dad passed away, I also lost one of my brothers a few months later. Two very vital members of the family were noticeably absent on Christmas morning. It was a very rough year. My dad loved Christmas so it just did not seem the same without him. Fortunately, I had been taken in by a very loud, loving, happy family of parents, their four children and one daughter in law. They treated me like one of the kids. Completely treated me like one of the kids! I got lectured by the dad as if he were my dad. More than once! If it had not been for that family, I would have been completely and totally miserable at Christmas. As it was, they kept me busy enough that while I terribly missed my dad and my brother, I was able to get through it and help my mom who was grieving more than I was. BTW, when I say I was "taken in" by them, I don't mean I moved in with them, just that they opened their hearts to me. They are still a big part of my life, almost 40 years later. I love Joe and Ruth and the whole clan.wub.gif

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This is the first Christmas without my pawpaw (father side) and for my father it’s the first Christmas without his daddy. My daddy has been running 24/7 for the past few months so he could not think about it. It actually hit him the other day when him and his sister was settling the estate. Not only were they father and son, they were friends. They ate out every Sunday afternoon. They talked each night at 8:00pm SHARP. I pray that my daddy will be strong enough but I'll never see him break.

 

 

Rest In Peace Pawpaw, Maw maw, Michael, Me maw, Grandmother, Pawpaw Black and Nick.....Merry Christmas to you.

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It's not my first year but it really doesn't get that much easier. I lost my dad just a days before Christmas. This was back in 2001. The year started off so wonderful my my one and only daughter was born in Jan. Then my brother who was only 5o died from a heart attack in Jul then 911 happend which was terrible then my Dad died in Dec. Only thing that comforts me about it was he was 86 and lived a long life and by his passing (Cancer) he was no longer in pain and went to heaven to be with my mother who passed years before him even though she was much younger.

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My youngest sister died on February 25th, I think from a broken heart. Her son, my nephew, had died the year before and she never got over it. She sunk into a deep depression and just passed away. The autopsy didn't reveal any purposeful reason, but I think she just gave up taking care of her health, which was precarious,anyway. It is sad, but at least I know she is happier now and I don't worry about her. Still, I miss her very much.

 

My other sisters and I have had our Christmas celebrations, and we celebrated her life and what she meant to us.

 

Merry Christmas, LPPT. Thanks for giving us a space to express our remembrance of those we love during this season. Hug those you have. I am.

 

Betty

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My Moma just passed away on Tuesday and her younger brother passes away on the Sunday before that just two days apart. I really don''t know how I am feeling yet because see loved Chritmas so much that I want to celebrate for her, but I am really not in the mood. I have been trying to keep it together for my kids, but they are all over 18 and have things to do of their own, maybe next year things will be better.

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My Moma just passed away on Tuesday and her younger brother passes away on the Sunday before that just two days apart. I really don''t know how I am feeling yet because see loved Chritmas so much that I want to celebrate for her, but I am really not in the mood. I have been trying to keep it together for my kids, but they are all over 18 and have things to do of their own, maybe next year things will be better.

 

Do you believe she watches over you? For those of us that believe the veil between life and death is thin, it is easier to continue on as before. It does not mean you don't miss the one you love, it means that they are always beside you. Their love is pure without the conditions that make us human, She will not think you loved her any less for finding joy after her passing.

 

Doing the ordinary daily things that are expected is the best way to cope with grief, doing Christmas for your kids is the best thing you could possibly do.

I will say a little prayer of comfort for you.

 

My youngest sister died on February 25th, I think from a broken heart. Her son, my nephew, had died the year before and she never got over it. She sunk into a deep depression and just passed away. The autopsy didn't reveal any purposeful reason, but I think she just gave up taking care of her health, which was precarious,anyway. It is sad, but at least I know she is happier now and I don't worry about her. Still, I miss her very much.

 

My other sisters and I have had our Christmas celebrations, and we celebrated her life and what she meant to us.

 

Merry Christmas, LPPT. Thanks for giving us a space to express our remembrance of those we love during this season. Hug those you have. I am.

 

Betty

 

I saw your sisters picture on facebook the other day she was beautiful and from your post very special. Have a Merry Christmas.:wub:

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My Moma just passed away on Tuesday and her younger brother passes away on the Sunday before that just two days apart. I really don''t know how I am feeling yet because see loved Chritmas so much that I want to celebrate for her, but I am really not in the mood. I have been trying to keep it together for my kids, but they are all over 18 and have things to do of their own, maybe next year things will be better.

 

 

I am so sorry for your loss. This will be my 2nd Christmas without my mother and I'm still not in the mood. She loved Christmas so much and I'm really missing her these last few days. It's hard. It will get better but it will take a while. I lost my 1st husband 14 years ago this year and I think of him every day. The last day he got out of bed was Christmas day to see what Santa had left the grandbaby. He died on New Years eve and was buried on our anniversary. I actually hated Christmas for about three years but put on a face for my kids and grandson.

 

Bless your heart. You grieve all you want and need to.

I've cried for a few days now. It will get better but it's going to take time. Lots of time.

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family, as hard as it is.

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My mom passed in 1999 and nothing has been the same since. She loved Christmas, gardening and being a great mom. I miss her everyday.

 

Hug's and warm thoughts for everyone. I have read all of your postings. Each and every one is so heartfelt and touching.

 

I am so sorry for your losses. This is a very sentimental time of year for some of us. Your inspirational words let me feel that I'm not alone.

Thank you,,,

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas to you all.

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My sad post was #11 ... but, for now, it's time to supplement the sadness with opportunities to create new memories! My little darlin' is spending the night with Gamma and Pawpaw, and her Dallas Santa has visited already. Today and tomorrow are going to be such great fun! I hope everyone that is so sad in this thread is as blessed as I am with all that I have remaining in my life. Good night, PCOM! <3

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This is my 3rd Christmas without my dear husband . We were together for 30 years .

It was just the 4 of us , we both come from very small famalies , he had no family left at all .

Every Thanksgiving we would drive to Chicago or Arizona , We would either have Thanksgiving dinner at a place called Strongbow in Indiana or Rawhide in Scottsdale .

Then spend the day after Thanksgiving in downtown Chicago or Sedona .

 

Since he passed , our family is damaged . I sware we have been in a daze . The kids & I miss him .

We have not put up a tree in 3 years , I dont write cards .

I've gotten Christmas cards in the mail , they are on my dining room table unopened . I just cant open them .

he & I would always have so much fun putting up the tree .he was so much fun .

I had no money for gifts for the kids this year , and a guardian angel gave me some money last night so I'm shopping for them today .

Funny thing is , they have not even mentioned Christmas or asked for anything .

 

I have an older sister we are having dinner with tonight . She lost her husband 4 years ago & she is in the same boat as me . Nov would have been their 50 year anniversary .

And her son passed away 1 year ago . She said we have to do something .

 

I have noticed its a very couple oriented society . If you have a loved one , hug them and tell them you love & appreciate them .

Cherish having someone to go places with .

I recently worked at an office where all the ladies constantly talked about their husbands and all the places they went on weekends , and their husbands were constantly texting them all day . It was really hard for me to be around .

 

Thank God I have my Mom . She is 93 . She is my rock & I am hers .

And my church .

I think Christmas is for children . Hopefully some day I will have grandchildren .

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Christmas has not and never will be the same since 2001.

 

While I love my little granddaughters with all my heart, I can't help but think every year that it would have been the twins' whatever birthday. They would have been 11 a few weeks ago.

 

Christmas just will never again be Christmas.

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