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Grieving period - What do you think?


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What do you all think? I was friends with a fellow in high school. We had only reconnected a couple of times over the years and he had divorced and remarried during that time. Unfortunately, he developed cancer which was detected about six months ago or so. His wife dutifully stayed with him. and kept all of his friends aprised of her husband's condition. He passed a little over two weeks ago.

 

So here's the grieving part. I was somewhat surprised to discover on FB that the wife (they had been married over a decade) has moved in with another fellow already. I'm not one to rush to judgment but for someone who catalogued her grief and openly declared her undying love for her husband - To move on so quickly? It just seems like there would be more time needed for a paradigm shift. Apparently, this was a former boyfriend from long ago and the background story about THAT isn't as important as the going from being crushed at her soulmate departing to going full throttle in a new life.

 

So without my characterizing my reaction further, What do you all think about this? Any thoughts?

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Could be out of anger. People do crazy things when angry and grieving. That's why we have many different counselors and chaplains to talk to patients and employees.

 

Could be she "moved on emotionally" when she knew he was dying. Now she just wants to move on with her life.

 

Could be any number of things.

 

People do things while grieving that make no sense because they are not rational.

 

Or it could be something that we all are thinking and we all hope is not true.

 

Who knows.

 

Her life.

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I think when someone dies slowly it gives loved ones time to accept that they are really dying and time to start some of the grieving process while they are stil alive. This makes the grieving process shorter after they die. Although 2 weeks is extremely short, it is not for me to judge as I have never been in their shoes. Their loved one could have told them to go ahead with their life, even while he was dying.

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I think when someone dies slowly it gives loved ones time to accept that they are really dying and time to start some of the grieving process while they are stil alive. This makes the grieving process shorter after they die. Although 2 weeks is extremely short, it is not for me to judge as I have never been in their shoes. Their loved one could have told them to go ahead with their life, even while he was dying.

 

 

I very much agree and will also say that some get really depressed being alone. It helps them move on faster. My friend mom did this after her husband died and my friend had a very hard time understanding it.

 

I really think it is hard for many and women especially to go through tht and then be left in an empty house. I wOuld just try to understand that.

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I respect courage, and strength. For her to pick up the pieces of her life and move on takes a lot of courage, and a lot of strength. If the guy she is associating with is a person of integrity she has done the deep looking into nature that she needs to do. If not, maybe she is just not ready to move on with a good life, and is making a terrible mistake. drinks.gif

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Assuming a worse case scenario ... she was cheating on him on the side and he didn't know because of her protestations of love ... I'm glad he didn't. I also feel that if he finds out now (on the other side) he might understand more things than we mere mortals ... and may even appreciate the grand nature of her rouse (being cynical) .

 

But she could have been really sincere.

 

I flash on the scene in The Razors' Edge (the 1984 version with Bill Murray is among my favorite Bill Murray movies) when the old man in Paris is dying but is consumed with the fact that he didn't get the invitation to some social event and Murray's character makes up a version of the invite and takes dictation from the man saying he is unable to attend because of the prior engagement with his maker ... but still provides the comfort to the man in his dying moment.

 

I don't sense she was trying to play the role of a drama queen in the time and in one sense ... if her thought process was that she was going to give the man 150 percent in the love category before he died ... there is a certain satisfaction that comes from knowing you've done your best that is liberating.

 

Bottom line, if you give your loved one every bit of your love while they were alive, you may be in a better state to move on quickly after. That's all.

 

pubby

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Everyone grieves differently. Some people are never ready to move on. Some people need a long, long time to properly grieve and be ready to move on. Others, not so long. She may just not want to be alone right now. I can totally see that.

 

I am really of the belief that you're better off waiting a year after a death of a close family member (spouse, parent or child/grandchild) before you do ANYTHING other than get from one day to the next. After the deaths of my newborn grandsons I was literally in a fog for almost a year. I finally "came to" one day sitting in a tropical storm in Florida. I was so grateful that I had not made any huge change to my life during that time because it was certain to be the WRONG change. I just hope your friend's wife has a good outcome.

 

And yes, she might have been cheating but then again, she might have found solace.

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I'm not saying its right but maybe she is just terrified of being alone or in the back of her mind is afraid she isn't able to support herself.

 

Also, from a different angle, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. The picture that a couple presents to the public may be the complete opposite of what they are like in private.

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Assuming a worse case scenario ... she was cheating on him on the side and he didn't know because of her protestations of love ... I'm glad he didn't. I also feel that if he finds out now (on the other side) he might understand more things than we mere mortals ... and may even appreciate the grand nature of her rouse (being cynical) .

 

But she could have been really sincere.

 

I flash on the scene in The Razors' Edge (the 1984 version with Bill Murray is among my favorite Bill Murray movies) when the old man in Paris is dying but is consumed with the fact that he didn't get the invitation to some social event and Murray's character makes up a version of the invite and takes dictation from the man saying he is unable to attend because of the prior engagement with his maker ... but still provides the comfort to the man in his dying moment.

 

I don't sense she was trying to play the role of a drama queen in the time and in one sense ... if her thought process was that she was going to give the man 150 percent in the love category before he died ... there is a certain satisfaction that comes from knowing you've done your best that is liberating.

 

Bottom line, if you give your loved one every bit of your love while they were alive, you may be in a better state to move on quickly after. That's all.

 

pubby

 

 

Pubby,

 

No wonder you are the Paulding.come owner! And, That's all. drinks.gif

 

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I am dealing with my grieving mother as I type. It will be 2 years the 25th of this month that my step-dad passed away. My mother took care of him for 13 years. He had liver cancer. I do not think that when someone dies slowly it gives the family time to start the grieving process. I am having a very hard time dealing with my mother. I am a only child so I have no help what so ever. Basically my mom has just given up on everything. She does still work each and everyday. I do think this is keeping her sane. She will retire this time next year. I so dreed this. I love my mother but Im not sure I can handle this and her emotions with out help for a lot longer. She has been to counceling, but has stopped going. I guess what I'm saying is each and every person deals with death differently. I have an aunt that lost her adult daughter in a horrefic car fire in Jan. of this year. shes has turned to drinking and anti-depressiants, and nerve pills. So honestly I think each person deals differently. I have not ever been in this situation before, so I can't honestly say how I would grieve. I just hope I have my family close to me to help me as I have been with my mother.

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What do you all think? I was friends with a fellow in high school. We had only reconnected a couple of times over the years and he had divorced and remarried during that time. Unfortunately, he developed cancer which was detected about six months ago or so. His wife dutifully stayed with him. and kept all of his friends aprised of her husband's condition. He passed a little over two weeks ago.

 

So here's the grieving part. I was somewhat surprised to discover on FB that the wife (they had been married over a decade) has moved in with another fellow already. I'm not one to rush to judgment but for someone who catalogued her grief and openly declared her undying love for her husband - To move on so quickly? It just seems like there would be more time needed for a paradigm shift. Apparently, this was a former boyfriend from long ago and the background story about THAT isn't as important as the going from being crushed at her soulmate departing to going full throttle in a new life.

 

So without my characterizing my reaction further, What do you all think about this? Any thoughts?

People often don't think clearly or logically when they are grieving, been there, done that. You think your behavior is perfectly normal and you look back later and think, 'Good Lord, what was I thinking'. Chances are, you weren't.

 

However, I am a firm believer that when you are in that mode, you do whatever it takes to get you through the next moment of overwhelming grief and who's to say she isn't in gut wrenching grief? Not me. Until you walk in those very same

shoes and you know what it's like, NEVER, EVER assume that what the left behind person is doing, is right or wrong.

 

It's easy to say, 'Oh, that would never be me, I would never do that'. But until it happens to you, you can't say that. And also, if she stood by him and cared for him until he died, he's gone, he's never coming back and just because she has had a date, doesn't in any way diminish the fact that she loved him and stayed with him through what I imagine was a terrible illness.

 

Live and let live, unless you were there and witnessed their situation everyday until the very end, your judgement of her needs to kept to yourself. But thats just me.

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I am a widow, I lost my husband in 2001. I know that when he passed I surrounded myself with my family. Stayed with my parents for several days, only went home because our kids had to start school. I know that everyone grieves differently but I could not even think for several months after he passed. If not for my parents and sister and brothers they probably would have locked me in a padded room. Could it be that this person is someone that she trusts and that she is leaning on to help her through this difficult time? I am not going to pass judgement because as someone else said if you have never been in those shoes you just don't know what is going on in her head. I do know from my experience that it took me well over a year to finally pull my head out of my butt and get back to living.

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For the record, when it's my turn to go -- Mrs. Sirius has my blessing to get on with her life as soon as the pronouncement is made if it's a sudden event. If it's one of those "linger for years" situations, I'm fine with her making the most of her life as she sees fit.

How about you folks? Are you fine (now) with your own spouse moving on immediately (when then happens)? Or would you rather that they do -- something else?

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For the record, when it's my turn to go -- Mrs. Sirius has my blessing to get on with her life as soon as the pronouncement is made if it's a sudden event. If it's one of those "linger for years" situations, I'm fine with her making the most of her life as she sees fit.

How about you folks? Are you fine (now) with your own spouse moving on immediately (when then happens)? Or would you rather that they do -- something else?

Well....since I won't have any say so in the in the matter, being dead and all, he can do whatever he wants.

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My husban passed in horrific auto accidentin 2006 with that being said, it doesn't matter how are why, when your husband or wife passes if you where truly in love with one another your world comes crashing down.

 

For me personally I was in what to seem to be a daze for a long time about a year. Not knowing how i got from point A to point B. And in a time like this your heart is broken and you are looking for confort emotionaly and their are people out their that play on your emotions. They tell you lies and draw you in when you are greiving. So the one greiving is looking for that peace and confort where ever they can find it. But unless you have walked in them shoes you want understand why people whose spouse has passed away do what they do. I hate it when people tell me We need to move on. Leave the greiving people alone have to greive in our own way and our own time we will come thru it just LOVE US UNCONDITIONALY!!! Sliver lining to my story is May 1, 2010 I got married go a wonderful man

 

and he keeps asking me HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME? when you gave all your love to your husband that passed, I told him it's only because GOD is in it. Because I couln't do it on my own my heart will hurt from now own. thank God he sent us a gentlemen that ENCOURAGES US TO TALK ABOUT my Husband that is in HEAVEN. He ENCOURAGES US to put photos out. THANK YOU LORD.

If you are a greiving spouse I have empathy for you and know just how you feel.

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My husban passed in horrific auto accidentin 2006 with that being said, it doesn't matter how are why, when your husband or wife passes if you where truly in love with one another your world comes crashing down.

 

For me personally I was in what to seem to be a daze for a long time about a year. Not knowing how i got from point A to point B. And in a time like this your heart is broken and you are looking for confort emotionaly and their are people out their that play on your emotions. They tell you lies and draw you in when you are greiving. So the one greiving is looking for that peace and confort where ever they can find it. But unless you have walked in them shoes you want understand why people whose spouse has passed away do what they do. I hate it when people tell me We need to move on. Leave the greiving people alone have to greive in our own way and our own time we will come thru it just LOVE US UNCONDITIONALY!!! Sliver lining to my story is May 1, 2010 I got married go a wonderful man

 

and he keeps asking me HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME? when you gave all your love to your husband that passed, I told him it's only because GOD is in it. Because I couln't do it on my own my heart will hurt from now own. thank God he sent us a gentlemen that ENCOURAGES US TO TALK ABOUT my Husband that is in HEAVEN. He ENCOURAGES US to put photos out. THANK YOU LORD.

If you are a greiving spouse I have empathy for you and know just how you feel.

 

 

Six years is not enough, but I am glad to hear that you have come that far. My first wife has been gone for nearly 36 years, and died with MS. My second wife has been gone for 34 years, and died from Lung Cancer. My third wife is still alive, but we were only married for about a year. My forth wife loves me dearly, and we've been married 32 years.

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My MIL was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My FIL stood by her and was very attentive and did a lot for her and with her until she could do no more. For him, that was the end. She had another rough 2 mo before she passed, but he went back to work, which required a lot of traveling. He hired in home care for her, but was not there much even when he was home from business trips. After she passed, he quickly moved on. I thought it was odd, but in reality, she died to him when she was no longer the active and fun person he had married. He did not want to remember the bad, but yet remember the good. Maybe the wife did that, but because you are not in the know, it might seem odd.

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I tend to agree with the others who've said maybe she's just afraid to be alone. It could be that while she's been watching her husband suffer, this man had been a friend to her and nothing more and that she's leaning on him now more out of fear of being alone than out of actual love. Her moving in with him could also be because it hurts her to be in the home she shared with her husband. The memories may just be too much right now. I say let her do whatever she needs to do to cope with this huge loss.

That being said, if my husband passed away from a long drawn out illness or suddenly, I can't foresee that I would be able to move on emotionally to someone else for quite some time. But then again, I don't know for sure because I've never been in that situation.

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For the record, when it's my turn to go -- Mrs. Sirius has my blessing to get on with her life as soon as the pronouncement is made if it's a sudden event. If it's one of those "linger for years" situations, I'm fine with her making the most of her life as she sees fit.

How about you folks? Are you fine (now) with your own spouse moving on immediately (when then happens)? Or would you rather that they do -- something else?

 

 

I agree 100%. What difference would it make to me if I am no longer here? I think to request anything else from him would be selfish . I love him enough to want him to be happy, and I honestly don't think he would be happy alone.

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For the record, when it's my turn to go -- Mrs. Sirius has my blessing to get on with her life as soon as the pronouncement is made if it's a sudden event. If it's one of those "linger for years" situations, I'm fine with her making the most of her life as she sees fit.

How about you folks? Are you fine (now) with your own spouse moving on immediately (when then happens)? Or would you rather that they do -- something else?

 

My second wife and I were together 20+ years. We had many long conversations about what either of us would do if the other passed. When it became apparent that cancer would soon take her, she made me promise to go on with my life and find someone new. I did wait 2+ years.

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2 weeks to grieve a lost spouse of 10 years?

 

Yeah, I'd be testing the applesauce in those jars...

 

I love "mind your own business" - when that said business is all over the internets.

 

A few months ago I lost my husband of 9 years. Honestly dating someone at this point would still feel like cheating.

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I love "mind your own business" - when that said business is all over the internets.

 

Hey, that was an appropriate response to someone who starts the post by saying "I'm withholding judgment.." :rofl:

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My second wife and I were together 20+ years. We had many long conversations about what either of us would do if the other passed. When it became apparent that cancer would soon take her, she made me promise to go on with my life and find someone new. I did wait 2+ years.

That is true love; wanting your significant other to be happy and enjoy life, even if that means somebody else.

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People do things differently, they grieve differently for different people.

 

 

I don't think we can judge her... she is doing what she feels is right for her.... I think it is more of a need for a man in her life to replace a close man she lost vice anything else...

 

 

 

 

I still grieve from time to time about a friend that I lost a few years ago. He was like a brother to me.

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My father was ill for 7 years. He was overcome with dimentia 6 years ago. He seldom knew who we were. He could not do anything for himself. My Mother took care of him for 3 of those years and finally had to put him in a nursing home. As a 200 lb man was very hard for my Mom to lift and such seeing she was maybe 120. My mother visited him 5 times a week as so did we. He finally passed almost 4 months ago. As we are all still grieving we are relieved for him. We felt like we lost him twice once to dimentia and then when he passed. My mother has had a friend for 6 months. Everyone gossips about her yet many were NOT there for her all the time my Dad was ill. Her friend looks out for her and treats her like gold. She will never take off her wedding rings and would never move in with his man. She still is very much in love with my Dad. But I am pleased she has a friend. Sometimes you have to look at the big picture before you judge! My Mom deserves happiness as she has been through hell. As people will gossip I will stand by my Mother as long as it takes. We all heal in different ways.

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You don't know all the circumstances surrounding the marital relationship. While we all pretend marriage is a bowl of cherries 100% of the time when we look at other couples, so many know it is not true for their own marriage. I have a close relative who grieved for a very short period of time before she began dating again. Her marriage was not the best, the intimacy stopped b/c the sickness was all-consuming, the emotional detachment was slowly creating a larger buffer by the day. She stuck through it for him and took excellent care of him.

 

She should be able to do as she pleases. It's her life.

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