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Because I Need Somebody to Talk Too


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#1 Blunt Trauma

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Posted 26 May 2019 - 02:24 PM

Because I need somebody to talk too.

 

That’s the honest answer as to why I’m writing this. At least it's the latest honest answer. It almost was written several weeks ago under the title “I’m Scared”, ‘cause I was. Being just completely honest, I still am a little.

 

Just so you know and before you invest anymore time than it took to read that short paragraph, this is long. If you have no interest in medical issues, personal drama or just hearing about time kicking my ass, stop here. If your still there, bless ya. If ya ain’t….well \^_^/.

 

Without doing a complete medical history, just to give you an idea of where we are coming from, at my largest in my 20’s, I was 6’ 3 ¾” tall and weighed up to 297 lbs. At 52 yo when my back was getting past the point of reason, a trip to the spine specialist showed that I was then 6’ 1”. The average man can expect to lose as much as 2” of height by the time he is 80 yo. There's been no measuring since. Don’t even wanna know. But experience tells me that at least 2 more discs have gone since then. Just to cap off the list and fill in the picture a little more. Internal injuries as a child, broken arm, both knees surgically repaired, 6 fingers at least fractured 3 of them twice each, at least 3 broken toes. Arthritis has set into all those injuries as well as a shoulder, wrist and both thumbs.

 

If I was a retired semi-pro football player or professional wrestler, you'd have a pretty good idea of how banged up a person would be. The thing is, in both those situations, it is not (or at least should not and usually isn’t) the intention of your opponent to hurt you. Hell, wrestlers are doing their best not to injure (there's a big difference between hurt and injure) each other. Quick side story since we’re already here.

 

Shortly after moving out here I was called for jury duty for the one and only time in my life so far. The case was against someone who worked/had worked at Hiram Station. Apparently they had to throw somebody out and it got physical. The tossee must have taken out a warrant, I don’t know the details. Part of jury selection included the question “Have you ever had to physically defend yourself from an attack?” “If so, please raise your hand.”  Keeping in mind that there are/were very few places I can go and not stick out like a sore thumb already, here we are in a room of maybe 60 to 80 people. Maybe a dozen have their hand up. Then the man says, “Please explain in as much detail as possible how and when this occurred”. And he starts going through each person and their telling their stories. The guys are matter of fact and a couple are a little puffy chested as they tell their stories, the ladies are all kind of embarrassed as they tell theirs and just trying to get thru it saying as little as possible. It may have been on purpose or not, but he saved me for last. When he got to me he kind of pointed and said in an almost comically hesitating voice “And …….you…..(pregnant pause)....... Sir. Every blessed head in the room turned, even the court employees and deputies, the judge actually looked up for one of the very few times during the proceeding. The only other time was when a smart ass young’un was obviously just trying to get out of jury duty and the judge dressed him down and threatened contempt. He had given me a good 10 to 15 minutes to think about how to say what I had to say and I gave it to him as succinctly as possible, “I was a bar room bouncer in redneck and biker bars for 12 years. It’s happened literally hundreds of times.” Didn’t get on that jury for some reason.

 

That little story was to point up the difference between the 2 previously mentioned avocations and what I did. One has injuries by accident during competition and the other during an exhibition. For 12 years those drunk jackasses were trying their best to hurt and injure me. Those 12 years were encompassed by a good 30 years of me being a dumbass, possibly pretty drunk myself. Amature wrestling, motocross riding and all the falls that go with the learning of that, a couple of pretty bad car accidents and a couple of really bad bike/car crashes. The last one ripping my right leg open to the bone.

 

The bottom line is that mobility was already a big issue and it was getting harder and harder to stay active. Activity was coming with steady increasing pain and the fact that the longer I was up and under load the deader I would go on my right side from the hip down. Eventually losing any support from my right leg. Sit, decompress everything and go again for a shorter time. You gotta do something or you start to waste. But it's to the point where sitting down for good is no longer an abstract thought for down the road somewhere. It’s a looming reality that you have to face.

 

That’s pretty scary right there, but it’s not why I’m writing this. If you’ve managed to slog thru some of my longer stories, you may have realized that I save the meaty stuff for the end as anybody interested enough to make it this far deserves to be the one to get the main point. So here we go. What scares somebody who has walked/worked thru places at night that most folks wouldn’t go into during the daytime? Somebody who has ran at the gun every time one has been pulled on him? Hell, I’ve had the crutch of a one legged man broken across my face.

 

On April 9th I woke up completely deaf on the left side except for a god awful ringing. Along with the deafness and ringing was dizziness and profound confusion. To the point that I absolutely couldn’t stand up. The worst of the dizziness lasted for about 10 days. After that I could get up but its still there and so is the confusion. The number of times I’ve closed my eyes in the shower and nearly fell out of it is amazing. There's never been anything in my life any harder than making it thru that first couple of weeks. Between not eating and throwing up from the nausea, I lost about 8 pounds. The ENT Specialist says that I have something called Labrynthitis. Yeah I thought it was made up when he said it too, but its not.

 

This doctor, I might add has the bedside manner of a rock. Just a dead eyed, non-comforting, matter of fact delivery of “Your hearing loss is most likely permanent and the dizziness can last from a few weeks to the rest of your life. We’re going to do an MRI on your brain. Heres your diagnosis written out so you can do research on it. Goodbye.” The nurse I think could see it even if he couldn’t, but between the confusion and this stone cold 45 second ending of life as I know it, I was pretty much in shock. Barely remember driving home. Yes, you’re absolutely right, I shouldn’t be/have been driving. Unless you’re volunteering to cart me around, save it.

 

So I do the research and that's even more scary. There are 4 possible causes. Bacterial, viral, tumor or stroke. So now I’m spending days waiting for the MRI and worrying. It finally comes and they tell me the results will be on line in a couple of business days and my doctor will go over them with me at my next appointment. This is a Thursday, and my appointment isn’t for another week. The next afternoon my phone rings and it’s the ENT’s office. Just about that time my heart jumps up thru my throat, ‘cause there ain’t no way this is a good thing. It’s been less than 24 hours since the MRI, what in the world could be urgent enough for the radiologist to have read the results and contacted the ENT who was now calling me this quick. So I answer and it’s him, not somebody from his office, it’s himself. I swear the strength went out of my legs and I barely made it to half fall onto the bed and actually said into the phone “Oh dear lord, this can’t be good.”

 

Well, that seemed to surprise the doctor, I’m telling you this guy is just numb to the world. His idea of where to go from there was to say that the MRI showed no cause for the sudden hearing loss. That was it. One sentence. No further comment on the fact that I’m half deaf and now walk and act like a confused octogenarian and up until about 2 seconds ago I was worried to death that I had a brain tumor. He immediately went on to start telling me that there was an ancillary finding that one of my sinuses showed up as completely opaque, the other as partially opaque and he wanted a CT to determine the cause and wants to operate on them. I’m trying to fight my way thru the fog in my head to understand him and all I can focus on is the deaf and dizzy and he’s just got nothing to say about it. I’ve finally come to understand that he expects me to accept this just as clinically as he does. That’s tough.

 

I’ve only said any part of this out loud once. The effect it had on me makes me believe that I’ve got to talk about this to try to make sense of where I am and what’s coming. Just living has never been harder. I swung my legs out of bed the other morning, stood up and nearly fell into the bathtub about 20’ away before I could stop myself. I’ve got to find a way thru this without letting it get in my head. Every time I look at 2 motorcycles sitting under covers that I may never ride again it gets harder. I know what I have to do, I have to live, I just don’t think I know how that’s gonna work.

 

I had a life plan. The plan worked, but it had a couple of holes in it. Now I’m in one of those holes.

 

Ladder? Never mind.........I'd fall off it anyway.

 

Son, don't throw rocks at your Grandma, 'cause she's to old to dodge 'em. - My Dad 1966

#2 CitizenCain

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Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:10 PM

I don't know who your doctor is but have you thought of finding someone else, or at least getting a 2nd opinion ? 


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I did not mean that Conservatives are generally stupid; I meant, that stupid persons are generally Conservative. I believe that to be so obvious and undeniable a fact that I hardly think any honorable Gentleman will question it.  -John Stuart Mill
 
 


#3 Blunt Trauma

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Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:26 PM

Nerve damage to the inner ear. I wish a second opinion would bring that back, but it won't. It's early though, if the need for a more radical solution comes real, there will be a second. There's no way I could get through an implant with this guy. He's not a surgeon anyway. If the sinuses get done he'll have to pass me off to one near term.
Son, don't throw rocks at your Grandma, 'cause she's to old to dodge 'em. - My Dad 1966

#4 CitizenCain

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Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:35 PM

Nerve damage to the inner ear. I wish a second opinion would bring that back, but it won't. It's early though, if the need for a more radical solution comes real, there will be a second. There's no way I could get through an implant with this guy. He's not a surgeon anyway. If the sinuses get done he'll have to pass me off to one near term.

 

Well that's not so bad, I mean it not great but at least he didn't say sorry dude you have a brain tumor. 


I did not mean that Conservatives are generally stupid; I meant, that stupid persons are generally Conservative. I believe that to be so obvious and undeniable a fact that I hardly think any honorable Gentleman will question it.  -John Stuart Mill
 
 


#5 Stiff

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Posted 26 May 2019 - 11:55 PM

Please find another doctor. You already really don't like him. It is hard now a days to find a caring doctor it's all about the $$$. Do you have family that are close? You need emotional support from them or somebody....and a new doctor. Inbox me if you ever need to talk and I would like to know a update. I will pray for you.
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#6 mrshoward

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 06:42 AM

How's your teeth ? ? ?

 

(My BIL suffered from disabling dizziness for over 2 years.

Could not even sit in a chair without feeling like he was falling...

Numerous doctors could never find the cause. Finally, an old

country dentist found a hidden infection in his jawbone.)

 

Praying the you can find the answer soon...   :give_rose:


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A man must be excessively stupid, as well as uncharitable,
who believes that there is no virtue but on his own side, and that there
are not men as honest as himself who may differ from him in political principles.


- Joseph Addison

#7 juleebella

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 09:19 AM

Not sure what to say except hugs and I agree with everyone else re a 2nd opinion.  I don't know what kind of med insurance you have.  That can result in all kinds of unfortunate medical road blocks and that sux in so many ways. DH has got so many health issues now I can't even begin.  But Mrs H is right, sometimes it's just the old wisdom that discovers the truth.



#8 Blunt Trauma

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 09:19 AM

Just to answer the questions all at once. No family to speak of. That was one of the holes in the life plan. Another long story for another day. The doctor will have to change shortly down the road anyway, but you're right, I don't like this guy.
See the dentist every 6 months, but you never know.

I'm not arguing with the diagnosis. After doing the research like the doctor said, there isn't much doubt that he's right. Everything about his diagnosis fits. And I am extremely relieved that it wasn't a tumor or a stroke. There was no fever or discharge so it isn't bacterial. Which unfortunately only leaves viral. The only treatment for viral is a stiff course of steroids and hope that the body figures it out. The steroids have come and gone. And except for feeling like I could rip a tree out of the ground if I could just walk over to it, they didn't work. All that makes him believe that I'm part of the 1/3 of people that gets this and it's permanent. I'm still clutching at hope myself.

I just need badly to have someone to talk too about it for a little while. Eventually acceptance will come I'm sure. And maybe one day the dizzy will improve to the point I can live.
Son, don't throw rocks at your Grandma, 'cause she's to old to dodge 'em. - My Dad 1966

#9 juleebella

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 09:28 AM

Maybe I missed it, but any inner ear issues?  Have you consulted an ENT?



#10 CreativeOne

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 10:39 AM

Not sure what to say except hugs and I agree with everyone else re a 2nd opinion.  I don't know what kind of med insurance you have.  That can result in all kinds of unfortunate medical road blocks and that sux in so many ways. DH has got so many health issues now I can't even begin.  But Mrs H is right, sometimes it's just the old wisdom that discovers the truth.

This was my thoughts .. not sure what to say but to say I'll listen as I can. Try different docs with different focuses, they may be able to point in a direction to go.  Medicine field is not an exact science with no easy answers.

 

Just to answer the questions all at once. No family to speak of. That was one of the holes in the life plan. Another long story for another day. The doctor will have to change shortly down the road anyway, but you're right, I don't like this guy.
See the dentist every 6 months, but you never know.

I'm not arguing with the diagnosis. After doing the research like the doctor said, there isn't much doubt that he's right. Everything about his diagnosis fits. And I am extremely relieved that it wasn't a tumor or a stroke. There was no fever or discharge so it isn't bacterial. Which unfortunately only leaves viral. The only treatment for viral is a stiff course of steroids and hope that the body figures it out. The steroids have come and gone. And except for feeling like I could rip a tree out of the ground if I could just walk over to it, they didn't work. All that makes him believe that I'm part of the 1/3 of people that gets this and it's permanent. I'm still clutching at hope myself.

I just need badly to have someone to talk too about it for a little while. Eventually acceptance will come I'm sure. And maybe one day the dizzy will improve to the point I can live.

Keep with the hope, maybe a short term challenge.

Your story may also help someone who you do not know you are helping.  Alternatives for looking into suggestions are not always apparent and you may be helping others as some of us may be able to assist you with our suggestions.

Uncover the stones and you may find something you and the DRs didn't realize.

 

Let me know if you need someone to talk with.  I have no answers just ears to hear and maybe suggestions.


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#11 Blunt Trauma

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 01:13 PM

Well there will definitely be surgeon in my future. New doctor, new worries.

This is just the most worrisome finding from the CT. The report is several paragraphs and has some scary language.

"Prominent soft tissue attenuation in the nasal cavity, worrisome for nasal polyp or polyps. Correlate with rhinoscopy findings."

That's the thing about when you turn yourself over to the doctors. It's a never ending discovery of things you've known about since childhood. I remember daddy saying that poor folks didn't spend money on doctors just cause your nose stuffs up.

If this ends up horrible I'll be surprised. But its gonna be a pain in the ass.........or face.........I ain't all that pretty to tell the difference anyway.
Son, don't throw rocks at your Grandma, 'cause she's to old to dodge 'em. - My Dad 1966

#12 Captain Rhett Butler

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 06:37 PM

Something about the inner ear can cause the dizziness and nausea and something about the teeth can cause some of your symptoms as well. I'd agree that a 2nd opinion might bring better news. A minor surgery may take care of it after all, you just gotta keep the faith that the docs will figure out how to fix what's broken. 

 

Best wishes on getting this difficult situation behind you. 


I've always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit you immensely.
(Rhett Butler speaking to Miss Scarlett)

#13 PUBBY

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 11:26 PM

I'm in awe.  When I feel bad I can't bring myself to write at all when my brain is buzzing with pain and concerns.  In contrast, you write your story eloquently despite the personal travails that must make thinking in complete sentences, much less rationally a challenge.

 

Really, your ability to describe your experience  is remarkable given just the arthritis in you hands not to mention the dizziness.

 

Anyway, folks are listening. You are welcome to express your needs, even if it is sympathetic shoulder on which to commiserate.

 

pubby

 

 



#14 Blunt Trauma

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Posted 28 May 2019 - 10:47 AM

Felt like I had to write it out. Said it out loud once to someone so they would know in case of fire or similar disaster that I couldn't necessarily hear. Especially at night if I roll onto my right ear, I'm totally deaf. Broke down like a little girl in the middle of it. That ain't me. Acceptance comes with familiarization. Say it enough and its real. Public therapy.............basically y'all are cheaper than a shrink. Besides, it's always seemed to me, and believe me I've put thought into it, if you're problem is that you don't have anyone that cares enough about you that you can talk to them. And you have to pay somebody to talk to you about it. How does that not make it worse to anyone with a rational thought process?

 

Don't be just over awed. This is me thinking things out in a meticulous step by step process, with all the time in the world to stop and rest. And the ability to edit before posting. Dealing with me in real time is different. You get a whole nother perspective on people from inside this thing.

 

I'm still in here, but the folks I've had to deal with since this started can't tell that. As each person has to deal with me and they see what I've seen described on my chart as "an unsteady gate" and "profound confusion" they are assuming otherwise and each reaction is telling. Listening to and reading people were a part of all 3 of the things I considered careers. I've watched the changes come across their faces that range from pity (hate that), to understanding the challenge and accepting it, to stoic indifference, to annoyance that you are not able to keep up with their program. That annoyance can bump up against open hostility in your bigger jackasses.

 

So basically, just the getting it out there has proven a help. It makes it a more of a problem to solve or a difficulty to overcome. That's a big improvement over the world crashing in on your head. The little dog helped with that too. If I hadn't had her to divert my focus, there's a good chance I'd be sitting in a corner playing with my feet. She's having a bad day today with her own issues. We've got to get her that surgery.


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Son, don't throw rocks at your Grandma, 'cause she's to old to dodge 'em. - My Dad 1966

#15 Stonewall

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Posted 29 May 2019 - 02:54 PM

That's a bad stroke of luck. My wife was diagnosed with BPPV (Benign Paradoxial Positional Vertigo) 17 years ago. It is chronic although she has a great deal of control over it now using physical therapy and medication when necessary. I highly recommend therapy over meds or surgery. While her case is not degenerative or caused by physical damage of inner ear structure the symptoms are very similar. My mother was diagnosed with BPPV just two weeks ago.  BT I have learned a few things about dealing with inner ear. Firstly the symptoms can come on with no warning and can be mild or acute. Secondly time heals but it can take weeks or months to feel "normal". Thirdly you have to adjust your movements and activities learning what triggers and what relives symptoms. Lastly you have to press on and live your life through the symptoms. They both have bad days and good days but the good far outweigh the bad. My wife has ridden and shown horses for over 30 years. The last 17 while dealing with symptoms from BPPV. She struggles with balance from time to time but she does not let that stop her from doing what she loves. If you want to ride you will ride my friend but you have got to get stubborn and mean about it. Hang in there, follow doctor's orders and steel you mind against naysayers and bad days.


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#16 Blunt Trauma

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Posted 29 May 2019 - 03:35 PM

BPPV is a component of this. It lives to the far right and far left head turn or leaning back off of a 90 degree angle. For me, right now at least, it results in total loss of motor control if I can't move quick enough to a different position. Everything in the middle is just regular dizzy.
The optimism is appreciated and shared. But I have to keep in mind that one of a horses main goals in life is not to fall over. Unless I get WAY YONDER better somewhere down the road or my bikes grow at least one more wheel and a sense of self preservation....
Son, don't throw rocks at your Grandma, 'cause she's to old to dodge 'em. - My Dad 1966

#17 OSU

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Posted 29 May 2019 - 07:20 PM

Just to throw in my 2cents have you tried Emory doctors? From what I hear they would be a good place to start when local doctors are left scratching their heads. From there I can just say I wish you well and pray you find answers for all this. Also did they rule out vertigo? I have had that hit so suddenly that sitting up to quick or even moving my head in a certain angle that its like a giant hand pushing me backwards and everything spins..again dont stop till you get your answers.

Edited by OSU, 29 May 2019 - 07:25 PM.


#18 westside family

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Posted 30 May 2019 - 03:57 PM

No opinions, just prayers...So sorry.


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#19 Rocky's Mom

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Posted 31 May 2019 - 04:15 PM

I wondered about vertigo too. Have any of your doctors brought that up to you?

Good luck. As far as local medical help, I went to 6-7 doctors at wellstar without any answers from any of them. They seemed much more interested in passing me onto the next doctor, within the wellstar program of course, then they did actually helping me. It wasn’t until I went out of county that I finally got some answers.

Best of luck. The healthcare merry go round is quite an education.
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."




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