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Grandchild's Parents expect us to go to 1st birthday party in NY?

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So, our newest grandchild is going to one year old in November and our son is saying that we don't care about the kid if we don't go to her 1st birthday party, even though we'l be up there in October for a week and see our up-north 3 grandkids a lot and we've been up there a few times this year already.

 

All the one-year old birthday parties I've seen have been in the house with nearby friends and relatives, because the kid isn't going to remember it and doesn't really know what's going on.

 

D-I-L up North says if she lived down her, her parents would make the 18 hour drive.

 

What do you think?

 

 

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Is this the same son you had real estate problems with?

 

Honestly, none of my kids would hold me hostage with guilt over something like this. Like you said, you've made plenty of visits already.

 

Sorry, but your DIL sounds as immature (selfish) as your son.

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No not that is asking to much for a child that young. How about skype. A child that young would get a kick out of seeing its grandparents on the computer screen.

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My parents moved to Florida a week ago. It's weird not having them close anymore and I know they will miss their grandkids. They will be back for holidays and birthdays but they will miss my sons 6th birthday because my mom wants to attend her 50th high school reunion in NY the same week. That's not a problem because I'm not selfish. She will see him and her other grandkids during Christmas. The last time I drove/rode to New York, it wasn't fun. That is a long, long ride. Not a drive you make for a birthday party. Your son and daughter-in-law should know better. Especially since you've already been up there a few times this year and plan to go again.

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That's really not fair of them to expect so much of you. A one year old probably won't remember who was or wasn't at their party; he'll mostly be overwhelmed by all the goings on and wondering what the heck it's all about.

As long as you're doing the best you can to visit, they should be happy. I'm assuming your son wae the one who moved away, so he should consider that factor.

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I am trying to think here...

 

Do you have other children (other than your son)? He could be jealous of his siblings and/or their children that he may feel that his parents pay more attention to them?

 

I have noticed that with couple of people. Some of them did not realise what they were doing to their children/grandchildren.

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I am trying to think here...Do you have other children (other than your son)? He could be jealous of his siblings and/or their children that he may feel that his parents pay more attention to them?I have noticed that with couple of people. Some of them did not realise what they were doing to their children/grandchildren.

I've seen this type thing with family and friends. Some kids are just selfish and amazingly self centered. To the OP, that's your decision to make.

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So, our newest grandchild is going to one year old in November and our son is saying that we don't care about the kid if we don't go to her 1st birthday party, even though we'l be up there in October for a week and see our up-north 3 grandkids a lot and we've been up there a few times this year already.

 

All the one-year old birthday parties I've seen have been in the house with nearby friends and relatives, because the kid isn't going to remember it and doesn't really know what's going on.

 

D-I-L up North says if she lived down her, her parents would make the 18 hour drive.

 

What do you think?

 

 

It is your decision. I don't have grand kids yet, but I would want to be there.

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I absolutely, positively would NOT allow my son to guilt me into going. The 1 year old isn't going to know/remember. Send a card, open a savings account for the grandchild and not be manipulated.

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So, our newest grandchild is going to one year old in November and our son is saying that we don't care about the kid if we don't go to her 1st birthday party, even though we'l be up there in October for a week and see our up-north 3 grandkids a lot and we've been up there a few times this year already.

 

All the one-year old birthday parties I've seen have been in the house with nearby friends and relatives, because the kid isn't going to remember it and doesn't really know what's going on.

 

D-I-L up North says if she lived down her, her parents would make the 18 hour drive.

 

What do you think?

 

 

That is a long and exhausting, not to mention expensive trip. There are your reasons. The only reason I would make those 2 trips back to back would be illness or death. Could they be asking you to jump through these hoops due to feeling like you are partial to other grand children or sibling rivalry. You may need to find ways to reassure them in other ways. I wish you luck, family is not always easy. I know that most new parents like to bask in the love and attention that a new baby brings you might check yourself on that one, as in some are just more needy period.

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In 2001 I was faced with a somewhat similar decision. A good pastor friend offered some advice... "Whatever you decide make sure you can live with it the rest of your life". Not totally bought in I took his advice. Now that a couple of main players in that event are gone from this earth I feel good about the decision I made.

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Not sure why you would have already made a trip being you knew the first birthday was going to happen and when. Me I would have waited because I would have wanted to be there.

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Going to NY in November is not only expensive but it can be quite inconvenient if not dangerous if the weather turns and there is a sleet/snow storm. That 18 hour drive can turn into a disaster anywhere along the way in an instant.

I apologize for the pessimism but it's a best practice to be aware. FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) are red flags for psychologically abusive personalities and planting the seeds of alienation. DIL seems to be the driving force behind the unreasonableness and your son seems to be following the path of least resistance to keep her happy (which will prove to be a never ending, impossible task). The guilt of your not coming will become the guilt of you didn't come to your grandchild's first birthday. With abusive persons, what you allow is what they'll do. This type of abuse is usually generational so either or both of her parents may be equally problematic.

Send a nice gift in advance of the birthday to ensure timeliness. Ask to be facetimed, skyped or "google hangout" during the party as previously suggested.

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So, our newest grandchild is going to one year old in November and our son is saying that we don't care about the kid if we don't go to her 1st birthday party, even though we'l be up there in October for a week and see our up-north 3 grandkids a lot and we've been up there a few times this year already.

 

All the one-year old birthday parties I've seen have been in the house with nearby friends and relatives, because the kid isn't going to remember it and doesn't really know what's going on.

 

D-I-L up North says if she lived down her, her parents would make the 18 hour drive.

 

What do you think?

 

 

If you are going to be there in Nov. that should be good enough.... that is a long drive, how often do they come down to see you? I hope when and if my son and DIL have kids they do not use them against me the way your son uses your grandkids aganist you... since you have a trip planned in Nov. you can celebrate your grand childs birthday then with the family. the baby will not know the difference.

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I am trying to think here...

 

Do you have other children (other than your son)? He could be jealous of his siblings and/or their children that he may feel that his parents pay more attention to them?

 

I have noticed that with couple of people. Some of them did not realise what they were doing to their children/grandchildren.

Yes, the jealousy issue is a factor, with two grandkids down here

 

Austin Plantation, what happened with the property?

That's one reason we'll be up in October, for the closing and a wedding, and i didn't accept the offering price my son's realtor friend insisted on

 

That is a long and exhausting, not to mention expensive trip. There are your reasons. The only reason I would make those 2 trips back to back would be illness or death. Could they be asking you to jump through these hoops due to feeling like you are partial to other grand children or sibling rivalry. You may need to find ways to reassure them in other ways. I wish you luck, family is not always easy. I know that most new parents like to bask in the love and attention that a new baby brings you might check yourself on that one, as in some are just more needy period.

That's what happened las month, after a family visit at the end of June, we got home and received a call a few days later that my wife's brother had passed away suddenly, so we turned around a went back up. Son wouldn't come to wake or funeral, because diseased or his wife hadn't been to their wedding or the baby shower.

 

Not sure why you would have already made a trip being you knew the first birthday was going to happen and when. Me I would have waited because I would have wanted to be there.

We will be spending a couple of weeks up there in October. Closing was supposed to be August, but buyer couldn't get funds until september.At the other two kids' birthday party, and in the past, our D-I-L's father would only grunt and sneer at us. His problem is he told his daughter to find a rich guy to marry as her sister had, and she didn't realize the large houses down here didn't mean we were rich.

 

If you are going to be there in Nov. that should be good enough.... that is a long drive, how often do they come down to see you? I hope when and if my son and DIL have kids they do not use them against me the way your son uses your grandkids aganist you... since you have a trip planned in Nov. you can celebrate your grand childs birthday then with the family. the baby will not know the difference.

Sigh, the son has been taking "hints and suggestions" from his wife forever. She puts them on FB, wat a nice bradway show, we should buy this,etc., hoping her husband or in-laws might take the hint. We've skyped with them, but they don't consider that a visit.

 

I told the D-I-L that it's OK if our son wants to be mad at us if we don't come, not our decision.

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Your son and DIL both sound extremely petty and selfish. I'm sorry that's how it is, but he chose to marry her and live up north.

 

I know it's probably distressing to you, but once he tried to scam me on the property sale, I don't think I would feel so bad about not visiting.

 

And he wouldn't go to the wake because the dead person didn't go to his wedding? Lots of issues right there.

 

Sounds like he needs to grow up but with a wife and FIL like he's got, he's probably stuck in a time warp and won't.

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This is one of those instances where you should want the answer before you ask the question. Because my answer is, WHAT A JERK! I realize that it's your son, but insisting on an 18 hour drive for a first birthday party that a child won't remember anyway is selfish and manipulative. Not cool at all on their part.

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All is most likely our D-I-L driving our meek son, because in the past she wouldn't let him talk to his cousin for some time because the son's ex showed up at an event they were attending.

How old is she? She sounds like she's 8. I'm sure she is older than that though.

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All is most likely our D-I-L driving our meek son, because in the past she wouldn't let him talk to his cousin for some time because the son's ex showed up at an event they were attending.

 

So you are aware of her psychologically abusive personality and controlling ways by way of alienating him from his cousin. It doesn't stop with your DIL. There are elders who are potential puppeteers.

 

No matter what your son does there may come a day when he can do nothing to appease her. I'm really sorry but it may be only a matter of time before she makes him choose between being in his child's life and being in yours. If a split is inevitable, and her family is well off and influential, the courts will side against your son and effectively your family as a whole. Lawyers will pour gas on the fire to keep the goose laying golden eggs.

 

I have a friend in NC who is in your exact situation. She is a fellow advocate for parental/grandparent alienation. Her only son has not spoken to her in over 4 years and was alienated by his wife who uses their child as a weapon. It is best for you to prepare for the worst and hope for the best now so you can know the warning signs and how to adapt. The sooner you understand what is happening the better your chances of healing your family or avoiding a complete loss of contact.

 

You will have to establish your boundaries for your own sanity and be proactive. Read Foundations by Dr. Craig Childress. Read anything you can about Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder. You may want to include Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. There is a lot on these subjects on youtube. Not all of that information is good so it is best to read on your own first so you know what is good information and what is bad. Normally, I do not recommend Christian Counseling because they are not qualified to deal with personality disorders. Shannon Thomas of Southlake Christian Counseling is probably the one exception. I think you would be able to connect with what she writes.

 

Best of luck to you and your son.

 

 

Edited by Domestic Violence by Proxy

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Much has been said about the baby not remembering whether or not you are there. This is very true, but the advent of camera and digital video makes the recording of the event a reality. Imagine six or seven years from now when the little one finds this recorded party and asks her mother, "where is Gammy and PawPaw?". The smarmy mother replies "Oh, they don't like you the way they love their other grand kids!". This is something you will have to learn to deal with all of their lives. Treat it like a Chess match and plan two moves ahead with an eye to being on the offence, keep her rocked back on her heels!

Now, what to do. I wouls give very serious thaught to making the October trip last into November,,, (You didn't say if it was early Oct and late Nov, that would be a problem), go to the closing, visit the grands then do some local traveling until the birthday party. Think motor home.

Lastly, if you do go to the party, make a lasting impression on all concerned,,, give the child a magnificent gift,,,, A Pony!!!!!! ( or a puppy)

Remember the cameras???? Take plenty of pictures of the baby with the pony,,,, then when she is six or seven, show her the pictures and let her mother explain what happened to her GIFT!!

 

You may not feel up to any of this,, but that is what I would do. Do not let her keep the upper hand. Let her know that you make a much better friend, than enemy!!!

 

Remember,,, one way or the other, the child will eventually know if you were there.

 

I wish you the best of luck,,, you're going to need it!!!

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My grandmother lived in New York and I dont think she attended any of my birthday parties after we moved down here. Considering I have 2 siblings, it would have been ridiculous to expect her to travel to Georgia for all of our individual birthdays.

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Personally, I would not play the game.

 

It's become obvious it would be a losing proposition. Regardless of what the grandparents do, it will never be enough and the mother will probably teach the grandchildren that they don't care about them, no matter what they do.

 

I don't play games.

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Personally, I would not play the game.

 

It's become obvious it would be a losing proposition. Regardless of what the grandparents do, it will never be enough and the mother will probably teach the grandchildren that they don't care about them, no matter what they do.

 

I don't play games.

 

 

So, you are saying that you would just write off that grand child,,, your own flesh and blood,,, that's what's wrong with this country,,, SMH!!!!

 

I'm done with this nonsense.

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All is most likely our D-I-L driving our meek son, because in the past she wouldn't let him talk to his cousin for some time because the son's ex showed up at an event they were attending.

it is not fair to blame this on your DIL that is your son.... and he should step up to the plate......

 

 

So, you are saying that you would just write off that grand child,,, your own flesh and blood,,, that's what's wrong with this country,,, SMH!!!!

 

I'm done with this nonsense.

That is not what she is saying at all....

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So, you are saying that you would just write off that grand child,,, your own flesh and blood,,, that's what's wrong with this country,,, SMH!!!!

 

I'm done with this nonsense.

You need to take a deep breath because that's not what I said at all.

 

I refuse to be blackmailed by anyone, including family.

 

The grandparents are going up in October, they've already been up there a couple of times.

 

When they go in October they can buy a cake and have their presents and take pictures, and celebrate her birthday then. And then in November she'll have another celebration. There can be compromise and visits and presents and parties.

 

And even with that, the DIL may control the feelings of the grandchild regardless of what they do.

 

The OP made a post a while back about some land he was selling and his son and his son's friend tried to get involved and run some kind of scam, IMO of course. The OP stated clearly that the DIL is controlling and manipulative.

 

What I'm saying is they could give the grandchild Disney World on a silver platter, but if the DIL alienates the feelings of the child, there's not a lot they can do. That's where the son needs to step in and make sure the grandchild knows that her grandparents love and care about her.

 

But like I said above, he needs to grow a set.

 

 

And remember, you are the one in your above post that is willing to play it like a chess game and buy a pony.

 

Like I said, I don't play games.

Edited by lowrider
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You need to take a deep breath because that's not what I said at all.

 

I refuse to be blackmailed by anyone, including family.

 

The grandparents are going up in October, they've already been up there a couple of times.

 

When they go in October they can buy a cake and have their presents and take pictures, and celebrate her birthday then. And then in November she'll have another celebration. There can be compromise and visits and presents and parties.

 

And even with that, the DIL may control the feelings of the grandchild regardless of what they do.

 

The OP made a post a while back about some land he was selling and his son and his son's friend tried to get involved and run some kind of scam, IMO of course. The OP stated clearly that the DIL is controlling and manipulative.

 

What I'm saying is they could give the grandchild Disney World on a silver platter, but if the DIL alienates the feelings of the child, there's not a lot they can do. That's where the son needs to step in and make sure the grandchild knows that her grandparents love and care about her.

 

But like I said above, he needs to grow a set.

 

 

And remember, you are the one in your above post that is willing to play it like a chess game and buy a pony.

 

Like I said, I don't play games.

Much of what you say is correct but the day the son grows a set is the day he gets locked out of his child's life. Mark my words, it's a touchy situation for him. There will be all kinds of false allegations of abuse and manipulation of the courts. I may be cynical but I've seen where this road leads many times before.

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My father made the Army a career. We didn't see our grandparents and other relatives much as we were always so far away. My grandparents would send us gifts through the mail for our birthdays and Christmas, and if we were living in the states, we would talk on the phone. Although we did not see them as much as my cousins did, we had a great relationship with them.

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AP ya'll seem like good folks but your son sounds like a spineless jerk. The blame in this drama is totally his. I'm sorry but I would tell my wife you were my parents before she was my wife and the same will remain true after she is gone if that is what it takes to shut her up. It speaks volumes about some one who would ransom their child or work a shady business deal to pressure their own parents into doing some thing they really don't want to do. I hope it all works out for your sake but your son has been Yankeeized a trait common to those folks up north.

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