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Any amature comedy writers?

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Let's try any easy one. Finish this:

"You can always tell..... "

 

You can always tell when you're the only one that does anything around the house when you need to make a store run for cat food and rat poison.

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lol..... I will have to think a while on this one.... I'll be back :fool:

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You can always tell it's cold outside when politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

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You can always tell I'm glad to see you because my iphone 6 does NOT fit very well in my pocket. ;)

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You can always tell it's cold outside when politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

 

Guard Dad..........Now, did you make this one up, or (as I suspect), get it off of facebook. LOL!

Edited by ivylove

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Guard Dad..........Now, did you make this one up, or (as I suspect), get it off of facebook. LOL!

Nah, it's an oldie but goodie.

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You can always tell when the end of April approaches because the Braves are mathematically eliminated. Thank you. Tip your servers!

 

:(

 

 

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The Retail Store

 

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

 

What is Forrest Gump's computer password?

1Forrest1

 

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

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You can always tell you're getting old if you've ever stood in front of a mirror naked and wondered if "Just for Men" would work on that.

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What do you call a dog with no legs.......it don't matter..................it ain't come'n.

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A man found an Aladdin's lamp on the beach, after several quick rubs a Genie appeared telling him he would grant him a wish.

I have everything I need said the man but I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. Problem is I'm afraid to fly and boats make me sea sick.

Could you build a bridge to Hawaii so I could drive there ?

 

That's impossible said the Genie the logistics alone would be a nightmare and then there's hurricanes and storms to deal with. Pick something else. Well said the man I can never understand my wife, she says no when she really means yes, she says she doesn't want anything when she really does. It's very perplexing, If you could help me understand the mind of a woman that would make me very happy !

 

The Genie scratched his head and said, How would you like that bridge 2 or 4 lanes ?

Edited by CitizenCain
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Doctor: I'm sorry but you have a terminal illness. You only have 10.

 

Patient: What do you mean doc? 10? 10 what? Months, years??

 

Doctor: 9.........

 

 

 

 

Hot off the internet.

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pubby walks into a bar...

 

pubby - "bartender, a round for everyone"

 

Bartender - "OK, but it's cash only. The federal government never paid me for the last tab you ran"

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I heard one of the Atlanta Braves were arrested for domestic violence. I didn't realize that the Braves could beat anybody.

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I heard one of the Atlanta Braves were arrested for domestic violence. I didn't realize that the Braves could beat anybody.

:rofl:

 

Oh, I couldn't help it. That's a good one.

 

It's not funny. Doh, yes it is

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Feeling Punny today...

 

There were once two boll weevil brothers hatched in a cotton field in South Ga. One moved to Hollywood and became a big star. The other just sat in the field eating cotton.

 

He quickly became known as being the lesser of two weevils.

 

**************************************

 

The Northern Sportsman went out in his kayak on a winter day and got cold out on the lake. So he built a fire in the boat to keep warm. However, it burned a hole in the bottom and he sank and drown.

 

This proved that you can't have your Kayak and Heat it too...

 

 

**************************************

 

Two friars were behind on their belfrey payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his Mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "Persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified they did so - thereby proving ... (Are you ready for this?)

 

That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

 

**************************************

 

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said,

 

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

 

********************************************

 

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

************************************************

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) . . .

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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You can always tell when your headache is BAAAAD when you're chugging the kid's Tylenol straight from the bottle because the liquid works faster.

 

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?

Dam!

 

A woman was sitting next to a strange man on a long flight. He sneezed, pulled out a handkerchief, unzipped his pants, and wiped himself up. A few minutes later the same thing happened. After the third or fourth time the woman asked the man what his problem was. He apologized profusely, telling her he had a rare condition where every time he sneezed he had an orgasm. She was horrified and asked if he was taking anything for it. He smiled and replied, "pepper."

 

You can tell it's a bad spring when the druggies are turning their meth back into Sudafed.

 

You can tell you're getting old when your kids, especially your teenager, are embarrassed by you and your "hip" lingo.

Edited by J'smom
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